In the past year or so the word ‘Incel’ has become a ubiquitous online insult. Short for Involuntary Celibate, it was popularised by men who appropriated the label for themselves. The Incel community is overwhelmingly male (and growing) and to be an Incel (technically at least) is to have not had sex for six months or more.
As so the word has gradually crept into the vocabulary of every internet troll — partly I suspect because we still judge people by how much sex they have, or not in this case. We still view men who don’t have sex as failures in some way.
Incels are therefore an easy target. For men, calling someone an Incel implies something positive — a certain sexual abundance — about one’s own existence. For women it has begun to function as a putdown that ruthlessly dismisses unworthy suitors while simultaneously expelling them from the community of the good as misogynistic and creepy.
In the past decade there has been a three-fold increase in the number of men who have not had sex in the past year. In 2018 the Southern Poverty Law Centre added Incels to their ‘Hate Map’, describing them as “part of the online male supremacist eco-system”. Countless articles have appeared in the media equating inceldom with “toxic masculinity”, misogyny and violence. Most begin from the assumption that Incel ideology, so far as it exists, is a product of men’s domination over women. It is a backlash against feminism; the whingeing of men who have been taught by the tyrannical patriarchy to believe they are entitled to ownership of women’s bodies.
There is invariably some truth to this. The rise of the online ‘Manosphere’ is a reassertion by men of traditional gender roles from which they benefitted immensely. The most notorious Incels, who have gone on murderous rampages, have indeed been narcissistic and entitled men. Elliot Rodger was a 22-year-old Incel who murdered seven people in Isla Vista, California, in 2014. Rodger epitomised entitled masculinity. Shortly before Rodger carried about the massacre, Dale Launer, a friend of Rodger’s father, gave the boy some not terrible advice for building relationships with women on his college campus. Rodger’s response is revealing. As Launer recounted to the BBC:
“As I told him, ‘When you see a woman next time you’re on campus and you like her hair or sunglasses, just pay her a compliment.’ I told him, ‘It’s a freebie, something in passing, you’re not trying to make conversation. Keep walking, don’t make any long eye contact, just give the free compliment.’ The idea being you might make a friend if you make someone feel good.
Join the discussion
Join like minded readers that support our journalism by becoming a paid subscriber
To join the discussion in the comments, become a paid subscriber.
Join like minded readers that support our journalism, read unlimited articles and enjoy other subscriber-only benefits.
SubscribeI don’t necessarily think it was so much a pressure to settle, but the fact that most socialisation occurred in person rather than online. When you socialise more in person (usually groups of friends with other groups of friends) there is not the same expectation of instant attraction, but rather a chance to get to know each other and connect over time. Whereas when you meet through an app, if you don’t hit it off on the first date there is really no purpose to meet again as romance or sex was the only expectation. The nature of apps makes dating and romance far more about looks and first impressions that it is in reality, where the most successful relationships develop over time, and a strong connection makes someone attractive.
“And it is leaving increasing numbers of men on the scrapheap.”
Yup. I’m part of that group. I do not think being in the “in group” is truly a cure though. The nature of the human animal is such as Marcel Proust said “What one has obtained is never anything but a starting point for new desires.”. I know men who have been married for over 30 years who are still jealous and intimidated by sexually successful men.
A partner will not fix hypersexual obsessions or magically cure self doubt. I think our culture still has a very fairy tale like vision of romance, marriage and family; where pursuing this path makes a man “whole” and is the solution for many of his faults. I find this myth to be especially crippling for young men…why does your social health have to be contingent upon your sexual prowess? It’s nonsense. Unfortunately Incels have bought into this myth hook, line and sinker.
What is the solution…if any? Well… relationships are a two way street. If society was serious about getting Incels back into relationships, it would go out of its way to reach out to them and getting them involved (Incel reform groups, revamped sex ed, etc.). Per the mainstream discourse over this topic, I have seen very little indication of that happening.
Thus…the burden ultimately lies on the Incels. To be madly desirous of beautiful women; yet be at the level where youre awkward, overbearing, off putting to even average women…it’s a tough situation to be in. Incels must detach their humanity from their sexual prowess if they are to find any peace. Find something good in life that you can appreciate and nourish that is not tied to sexuality. Do not let sexual performance define you. You can choose to be GOOD and MORAL even the worst circumstances; in spite of the rejection and scorn you face at every corner. “Turn the other cheek…” and all that. Read history…there were men before you who faced far worse! There are many opportunities for joy even amidst a solitary lifestyle. Work, volunteer, writing, exercise, creative pursuits, extended family, real life support groups, etc. As the Archbishop Fulton Sheen once preached “Loneliness…is a signal that you need to go out into the world, find other people who are struggling and help them.”
Rather than death, choose life.
As for the nuisance of sexual tension, Diogenes of Sinope the famous Cynic, one praised the utility of self pleasure “If only it was so easy to cure hunger by rubbing an empty belly!”. The good news is that as you age, the urge will decrease. As Sophocles reportedly said “I am only too glad to be free of it all; it is like being chained to a vicious tyrant.”
Indeed it is.
This is great insight.
As someone who used to identify with incels, I think one of the biggest societal issues that needs to change is how we view men who don’t have sex. When I was in college, when I was forced into involuntary celibacy, the most frustrating piece was the social stigma and isolation. Other men often treat men who aren’t sexually active as lesser. It was often the case that guys without girlfriends or who didn’t hook up at will were not allowed to make group decisions, and were often left out of other male bonding activities as well. The sense of belonging and the desire to connect with others were taken away and for the dumbest of reasons. I also personally had a roommate who attempted to securely assault me and eventually tried to kill me for not “getting p***y” regularly.
The cycle repeats itself further, until I got married, I was passed over repeatedly for jobs. Economic data backs this up. Men who are single make less than married men, which keeps their status down. By contrast, women who are single make more than married women.
There has also been a sharp decline in the amount of men getting college degrees and that goes even lower for advanced degrees. Basically society has inverted things from decades ago but the societal expectations have remained the same, putting men at a disadvantage. There is also the rise of same sex marriage, which has only been legal for the past 6 years, which complicates the situation further. I think this will continue to worsen as the income distribution gets more warped towards the top income earners as well.
I think society has to adapt and let go of this expectation that a man has to have secure conquests. I can’t begin to tell you how many times before I got married I was told that I wasn’t a man because I wasn’t hooking up regularly or didn’t have a girlfriend. To show how ingrained or warped societal thinking is, the US Airforce recently put out an advisory on incels and instructs troops to monitor men who don’t hook up or have girlfriends as potential terrorists, which just reinforces this issue.
We also need to treat others with more respect. As more goes online, people hide behind keyboards to launch ugly assaults at others. On numerous occasions going back to high school, I was frequently told by women to kill myself or commit some other act of self abuse, I used to get kicked in the nuts for no other reason than cruel fun as well.
While men need to certainly take responsibility and improve, we also.habe a societal responsibility to respect each other if this potential violence issue is to go away.
InCels are the product of decades of Femanazi policy permeating all areas of society. The stripping of basic human rights from men especially in equality before the law is the rule, not the exception.
Equality is a noble pursuit, but I think at times the desire to put women on equal ground in society has come with too much venom and hatred for men or overcorrecting to make girls more dominant. For example, single men make less, single women make more. In schools most books are about female protagonists and not male. Boys are steered away from college at an increasing rate.
Most of the links seem broken, leading to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…
Great article other than that