Something wicked this way comes. Across the land, jilted maidens are engaging in digital necromancy, wreaking revenge on past lovers and using £5 spells to bewitch Hinge situationships into confessing true love. Welcome to the coven of the Etsy witch. Among the homemade earrings and crocheted tat available in this online marketplace are more esoteric offerings, a cobwebbed shelf groaning with pixel potions said to cure, curse and cajole at the buyer’s whim.
That Etsy witches even exist is thanks to the feminine vogue for the nebulously “spiritual”, from horoscopes to pagan rituals, with a smattering of Kate Bush in between. Coupled with the modern mantra of “manifestation” — whereby you can will something into existence by simply thinking about it really hard — the TikTok-coded woo-woo of the 2020s young woman has conjured an ideal market for the small-business sorceress. I have heard of friends commissioning these spiritual services — half-jokingly, of course — but cloaked in irony is a kernel of faith, the same that admittedly propelled me to visit a psychic in Skellingthorpe once upon a time. This All Hallow’s Eve, I feel an invisible tie pulling me towards the witch’s lair. Can I make my dreams come true?
After a perusal of wares and a shrewd consideration of the various deals on offer (a surprising amount of spells are being flogged at 50% off), I select five preternatural purchases. First, the Instant Revenge Spell — I will use this against a close friend who is uncharitable about my writing. Next, the Ultimate Beauty Spell, Hex Your Ex (deserved) and a Mind Control Spell, which I specify must be used to convince my parents I am their favourite daughter so as to really test the boundaries of what is possible. Finally, I commission the most exciting of the lot: the Future Soulmate Drawing. For a mere £5.79 (70% off, don’t you know!), I will receive a hand-drawn image of the man of my dreams.
To conduct a fair experiment, I order these spells in secret. Having told my closest friends that I had cursed one of them, I check in once the spell has been cast: “Anyone feel like they’ve been hexed?” One pipes up — she’s just woken up ill for the first time this year, the day she starts a new job. Wrong! The target of my sorcery appears entirely unscathed. That’s £4.35 down the drain. But looking at the reviews of this particular revenge spell, you’d never doubt its effectiveness: all 29 give five stars, with ominous comments such as “I have faith that the spell is starting to work”. A customer’s “faith” seems to be a big part of the jig: as with other smoke-and-mirrors services (hypnotism, seances, etc) the best conductors have a habit of blaming your disbelief when things go wrong. One Etsy witch, in an email exchange, warns me that my “commitment to [my] desires is a powerful driving force that will influence the results”.
The remaining spells have mixed results. The Ultimate Beauty Spell conjures nothing but a mottled forehead rash and, as my sister informs me loudly on a packed Victoria line train, “peeling skin on my chin”. “Hex Your Ex” would probably require me to unblock them to see that they have had an untimely death (to be clear, I did not specify this; just a mild case of facial boils would suit), which I am unwilling to do. The image attachment in that particular email, of black pillar candles, wilting flowers and a Tarot deck arranged on a trestle table, was encouraging. The Mind Control Spell on my beloved parents seemed to have done the trick of getting me in their good books — but I did also take them out for dinner. Finally, and most excitingly of all, I receive the image of my soulmate:
My caster, Psychic Zen, has used a technique called “astrograms” to produce the image, created with the aid of a “neurohelmet”, which allows her to see a “reading of brain activity”. This technique produces, I am assured, “an average racial appearance”; in practice, this means “white”. “Racial discrimination is excluded in the neurohelmet software,” the pamphlet notes. Thank Beelzebub for that.
Well, I for one thoroughly enjoyed reading Poppy’s journey through the looking glass. Completely bonkers, but great fun too and really, what’s wrong with that!
Careful below the line, folks, or Poppy will put a hex on you. The headline by the way, is a beautiful example of Betteridge’s Law.
Perfect post for Halloween! It also reminded me how grateful I am to have grown up well before the internet age.
Wait, Wait . . . I am sensing something . . . money? . . . a strange K’erching noise? . . . as yes, it’s becoming clearer . . . a huge AI driven business opportunity!
If I even thought that a spell might, possibly, feasibly lead me to the vicinity of True Love I would spend five pounds (a mere bagatelle) in a heartbeat.
I suppose the fault is mine, for not believing.
Hilarious article and yes a Betteridge award winner. The old definition of magic is to make someone believe and/or act the way you want by pure power of language. Mention of The Donald has this effect in an article that has nothing to do with Nov 5th election or DJT himself. Because it’s in the context of a comedy assassination hex which i thought was hilarious – though others may not – i wonder if as well as pressing Trump into our consciousness we also feel a little sorry for him? After all the two wackos that tried to kill him were on a par with Etsy magic vendors. The first one got close – due to the security services apparently, but proved inept. So i wonder if Poppy is the one doing magic here? On behalf of the GOP- and doing a good job IMO. Whilst i’d sooner vote for DeSantis, Cruz, hell any senior GOP face over DJT, i will hold my nose and vote. The alternative is unthinkeable.
Everything is now monetized. I can only think of two people who are genuine spiritual practitioners who don’t charge money for expensive courses and workshops. The online spell makers are the bottom feeders.
Neurodivergence is the new cash cow. Apps for adhd and the new fad AuDHD
It’s all so 18th century!
I don’t get the point of an article that is essentially just mocking a subculture.
It’s just a gentle mock. Having said that I’ve had tarot readings that were immensely helpful. There IS something to it but it’s not to be found in online spells.