Alison Elliott and Helena Bonham Carter in Iain Softley's 'The Wings of the Dove'. Credit: IMDB
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The girl in the TikTok video is wearing joggers, a lime green bra, and — for some reason — a pink ski mask. Her hair is blonde and stringy. She climbs atop the kitchen counter, attempting a yoga arm balance that turns into a sort of interpretive dance when she can’t quite hold it. The room behind her is dark, which makes it easy to read the light-coloured text that hovers over the video.
“I may not be the woman you marry,” it says, “but I’ll be the woman you think about when your boring wife lays starfish for the entire *2 minutes* before going to sleep facing the opposite direction.”
This video is not the only one of its kind, although it is one of the weirder ones. For the past several weeks, TikTok has been replete with videos from young women proudly announcing themselves to be the opposite of wife material — and not-so-subtly labelling those who are as sexually non-adventurous. These ladies — the kitchen counter yogi, the one dancing in the driver’s seat of her car, the one wearing an oversized T-shirt and a decidedly sinister smile — are happy to declare that they will not be the one with whom you settle down. But oh, when you do, you’ll think about them.
It’s hard to trace the evolution of “wife” from an aspirational role to a reviled one, but it’s a fair bet that the broader contemporary distaste for female heterosexuality has something to do with it. In an age in which women are tying themselves into knots to identify as anything but straight, desiring men is bad enough; to marry one surely denotes you as terminally basic, possessed of the worst possible taste.
At the same time, the rise of the lifestyle influencer has breathed new life into the Madonna-Whore complex of yore, which now plays out in the form of an ongoing beef between the tradwives of the political Right and their convention-eschewing progressive counterparts. That many of said progressives are engaged in polyamorous relationships, which are often indistinguishable in all but name from an old-school harem, is a complicating factor, but also a very funny one — much like the conservative sexual mores that somehow become “queer” under the banner of demisexuality.
Perhaps it’s the classic lines of this conflict that brought the following cultural analogy to mind: what I thought of upon encountering these videos, immediately, was Iain Softley’s 1997 film adaptation of the Henry James novel, The Wings of the Dove. For the uninitiated, the story tells of a love triangle between an enamored but impoverished British couple, Kate Croy and Merton Densher, and a rich American orphan named Millie Theale who presents both complication and opportunity. Millie is dying; she’s also unmarried, and quite taken with Merton. Kate, observing this, persuades Merton to seduce Millie, so that he can inherit her fortune — and then, newly widowed and flush with cash, marry Kate.
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SubscribePerhaps heterosexuality will soon be seen as deviant behaviour. How exciting!
By the way, starfish have five legs and I am very much a leg man. .
Perhaps heterosexuality will soon be seen as deviant behaviour. How exciting!
By the way, starfish have five legs and I am very much a leg man. .
The exhibitionists on TikTok know no one will marry them (because they’re exhibitionists, for a start), so they’re just preemptively getting their stories out there (my purple hair and nose ring says f*ck you for not loving me!). If I were a guy in the dating pool, I’d consider this a great resource for determining who to avoid.
Tattoos, nose rings and other piercings all do a terrific job of killing normal male attraction stone dead.
Is that not the idea?
The thing about women and fashion – even the grotesqueries you cite – is that it is mostly done for other women. So if the standard in one’s social set involves looking like a TikTok clown, then that’s what she’ll do. It’s only later when she can’t get a date that she’ll take the studs out of her cheeks and visit a tattoo removal salon.
Being old and bitter isn’t a great look for you, grandma!
Being young and bitter isn’t a great look for you, boy!
This guy is another harpy. There’s one that lurks on Bari Weis’s Free Press. They could be brothers. Amazing. All he seems to do is defecate on people’s post and scream foul absurdities. Out of nowhere most of the time. Is there some kind of backstory fight going on? Or is he just a miserable person?
He’s just a stupid woke infant seeking some attention.
He’s just a stupid woke infant seeking some attention.
This guy is another harpy. There’s one that lurks on Bari Weis’s Free Press. They could be brothers. Amazing. All he seems to do is defecate on people’s post and scream foul absurdities. Out of nowhere most of the time. Is there some kind of backstory fight going on? Or is he just a miserable person?
The only bitter person here is you, as evidenced by your comments.
Being young and bitter isn’t a great look for you, boy!
The only bitter person here is you, as evidenced by your comments.
Being old and bitter isn’t a great look for you, grandma!
“Normal male attraction”
Good job we have a hero like Harry to tell us all what “normal male attraction” is! He must be a real expert!
That’s why men invented beer glasses.
The thing about women and fashion – even the grotesqueries you cite – is that it is mostly done for other women. So if the standard in one’s social set involves looking like a TikTok clown, then that’s what she’ll do. It’s only later when she can’t get a date that she’ll take the studs out of her cheeks and visit a tattoo removal salon.
“Normal male attraction”
Good job we have a hero like Harry to tell us all what “normal male attraction” is! He must be a real expert!
That’s why men invented beer glasses.
Tattoos, nose rings and other piercings all do a terrific job of killing normal male attraction stone dead.
Is that not the idea?
The exhibitionists on TikTok know no one will marry them (because they’re exhibitionists, for a start), so they’re just preemptively getting their stories out there (my purple hair and nose ring says f*ck you for not loving me!). If I were a guy in the dating pool, I’d consider this a great resource for determining who to avoid.
This is a case of women making the mistake of thinking men think like they do.
The alpha widow is a real thing. There’s no such thing as an alpha widower.
In simpler terms… men generally don’t get obsessed by past conquests the way women do.
You’ve clearly never slept with Angelica Ballestero.
You’ve clearly never slept with Angelica Ballestero.
This is a case of women making the mistake of thinking men think like they do.
The alpha widow is a real thing. There’s no such thing as an alpha widower.
In simpler terms… men generally don’t get obsessed by past conquests the way women do.
These kids just have no idea. My extremely fit wife and I, (both in our sixties) have spent the winter scuba-diving in Thailand which is a lot nicer than Britain at this time of year. I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else.
The youngsters that came out to the hotel on their two-week packages paraded themselves round in their thong-bikinis with their buttocks hanging out. They looked like a load of baboons. I wouldn’t touch them with Boris’s.. (to paraphrase the old saying).
That’s ok then because they clearly wouldn’t have looked at you either. I’m glad your happy with your wife, but why does that mean you have to look down on a bunch of single youngsters on the pull? You were young and single once, and no doubt scrubbed up on a night out in order to get your leg over so where has this apparent superiority complex come from?
Because Albireo knows he will never pursue younger women and thinks he will never have to pursue another woman. Men who are successful in love have a cruel habit of looking down on those who are unsuccessful in love.
This is because the system needs men to chase women. If men spent money in ways that did not involve attracting women, our economies would look very different. So women and men stigmatise lonely men, while lonely women are granted sympathy due to philogyny.
The “system”? Birds, bees, Tarzan, Jane – that sort of system?
Grow up, imbecile.
Grow up, imbecile.
The “system”? Birds, bees, Tarzan, Jane – that sort of system?
To be fair Billy Bob, when I was on the pull I didn’t go for girls who let their buttocks hang out. I preferred girls who had a sense of decorum, and enough wit to know that you didn’t show everything at first glance. Likewise, I didn’t flaunt an enormous codpiece – but then, they hadn’t built underwear man enough for the job.
I can only imagine that you didn’t have much luck considering the way you talk. Did you get that style from the Andrew Tate courses you shelled out for? Or are you just naturally a bit of a loser?
“Did you get that style from the Andrew Tate courses you shelled out for?”
?
The style, as you put it, was that of Lord Flashheart – A monstrous comic creation that only you could take seriously.
I googled Mr. Tate. Your social media “personalities” are of no interest to me, Graeme.
I can only imagine that you didn’t have much luck considering the way you talk. Did you get that style from the Andrew Tate courses you shelled out for? Or are you just naturally a bit of a loser?
It’s clear you required no lessons.
“Did you get that style from the Andrew Tate courses you shelled out for?”
?
The style, as you put it, was that of Lord Flashheart – A monstrous comic creation that only you could take seriously.
I googled Mr. Tate. Your social media “personalities” are of no interest to me, Graeme.
I can only imagine that you didn’t have much luck considering the way you talk. Did you get that style from the Andrew Tate courses you shelled out for? Or are you just naturally a bit of a loser?
It’s clear you required no lessons.
I can only imagine that you didn’t have much luck considering the way you talk. Did you get that style from the Andrew Tate courses you shelled out for? Or are you just naturally a bit of a loser?
Because Albireo knows he will never pursue younger women and thinks he will never have to pursue another woman. Men who are successful in love have a cruel habit of looking down on those who are unsuccessful in love.
This is because the system needs men to chase women. If men spent money in ways that did not involve attracting women, our economies would look very different. So women and men stigmatise lonely men, while lonely women are granted sympathy due to philogyny.
To be fair Billy Bob, when I was on the pull I didn’t go for girls who let their buttocks hang out. I preferred girls who had a sense of decorum, and enough wit to know that you didn’t show everything at first glance. Likewise, I didn’t flaunt an enormous codpiece – but then, they hadn’t built underwear man enough for the job.
I’m sure all the kids were just desperate to gain the approval of a couple of sixty somethings! Or, far more likely, they had no idea that you even existed and got on with having a good time while you clucked about their inappropriate dress.
What were you wearing, grandpa? Bermuda shorts and a pith helmet?
I think you might be a little lost Graeme, Jezabel.com is that way
I’m sure all the grown-ups are just desperate to gain the approval of an angry man-child with blue hair and a septum piercing! Or, far more likely, they have no idea that you even exist and get on with having a good time while you cluck about their appropriate dress.
What are you wearing, boy? A split miniskirt and a special thong for men?
I think you might be a little lost Graeme, Jezabel.com is that way
I’m sure all the grown-ups are just desperate to gain the approval of an angry man-child with blue hair and a septum piercing! Or, far more likely, they have no idea that you even exist and get on with having a good time while you cluck about their appropriate dress.
What are you wearing, boy? A split miniskirt and a special thong for men?
That’s ok then because they clearly wouldn’t have looked at you either. I’m glad your happy with your wife, but why does that mean you have to look down on a bunch of single youngsters on the pull? You were young and single once, and no doubt scrubbed up on a night out in order to get your leg over so where has this apparent superiority complex come from?
I’m sure all the kids were just desperate to gain the approval of a couple of sixty somethings! Or, far more likely, they had no idea that you even existed and got on with having a good time while you clucked about their inappropriate dress.
What were you wearing, grandpa? Bermuda shorts and a pith helmet?
These kids just have no idea. My extremely fit wife and I, (both in our sixties) have spent the winter scuba-diving in Thailand which is a lot nicer than Britain at this time of year. I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else.
The youngsters that came out to the hotel on their two-week packages paraded themselves round in their thong-bikinis with their buttocks hanging out. They looked like a load of baboons. I wouldn’t touch them with Boris’s.. (to paraphrase the old saying).
Here’s another take on this, this self absorption. A quite brilliant essay “The Eyes of Another”, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment and the redemption of Raskolnikov.
“She smiles at him joyfully when she sees him but holds out her hand to him with timidity. He takes it, and their hands do not part. “He stole a rapid glance at her and dropped his eyes on the ground without speaking.”
It is in this glance that Raskolnikov at last sees himself as he is without shame. He at last understands that he is loved, and overcome by humility, he falls to her feet and weeps. Though she is afraid, Sonia understands what has happened within the prisoner, and we are told that a “light of infinite happiness came into her eyes.” “The heart of each held infinite sources of life for the heart of the other,” writes Dostoevsky. Raskolnikov’s inner self now includes his love for Sonia, a gaze that looks outward. His solipsistic self-discoveries, self-makings, and self-soothing acts of confession have revealed themselves to be hateful because he is finally able to see himself through the eyes of another.”
https://quillette.com/2023/01/31/crime-and-punishment-and-redemption/
Excellent comparison.
Excellent comparison.
Here’s another take on this, this self absorption. A quite brilliant essay “The Eyes of Another”, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment and the redemption of Raskolnikov.
“She smiles at him joyfully when she sees him but holds out her hand to him with timidity. He takes it, and their hands do not part. “He stole a rapid glance at her and dropped his eyes on the ground without speaking.”
It is in this glance that Raskolnikov at last sees himself as he is without shame. He at last understands that he is loved, and overcome by humility, he falls to her feet and weeps. Though she is afraid, Sonia understands what has happened within the prisoner, and we are told that a “light of infinite happiness came into her eyes.” “The heart of each held infinite sources of life for the heart of the other,” writes Dostoevsky. Raskolnikov’s inner self now includes his love for Sonia, a gaze that looks outward. His solipsistic self-discoveries, self-makings, and self-soothing acts of confession have revealed themselves to be hateful because he is finally able to see himself through the eyes of another.”
https://quillette.com/2023/01/31/crime-and-punishment-and-redemption/
Iggy and the Stooges; You’re pretty face is going to hell!
Yeah but Gimme Danger!
Yeah but Gimme Danger!
Iggy and the Stooges; You’re pretty face is going to hell!
I’ve always thought Henry James made a category error in naming a British male Merton Densher.
Everyone has his own Jamesian theory. Mine is that the vulgar article manufactured by the Newsomes in The Ambassadors is bogroll.
Everyone has his own Jamesian theory. Mine is that the vulgar article manufactured by the Newsomes in The Ambassadors is bogroll.
I’ve always thought Henry James made a category error in naming a British male Merton Densher.
The list of bizarre views and expectations of many many young women today is longer than my arm. They run from men who do not meet their expectations or they drive them away trying to force them to meet those expectations. Of course they are think that getting a man that is anything but the current ideal is “settling” and they are not about to do that. It never occurs to them that setting a reasonable expectation or bar is not settling.
This particular variety? They are among the saddest because you can see where they are going and the longer they stay the way they are the more likely they end up in miserable, bitter and lonely places.
Of course, I will bet that the young women like the one in the video described never realize just how ugly their personalities are and that perhaps that is why the men run. The men see the toxicity and the crazy.
The list of bizarre views and expectations of many many young women today is longer than my arm. They run from men who do not meet their expectations or they drive them away trying to force them to meet those expectations. Of course they are think that getting a man that is anything but the current ideal is “settling” and they are not about to do that. It never occurs to them that setting a reasonable expectation or bar is not settling.
This particular variety? They are among the saddest because you can see where they are going and the longer they stay the way they are the more likely they end up in miserable, bitter and lonely places.
Of course, I will bet that the young women like the one in the video described never realize just how ugly their personalities are and that perhaps that is why the men run. The men see the toxicity and the crazy.
If Nicky Morgan and others have their way, platforms will have to tackle “online misogyny”.
Under the proposed amendments to the “Online Safety” bill, given that misogyny will be given a bloated, subjective, vague definition defined by feelings, articles like this may soon become a thing of the past.
If Nicky Morgan and others have their way, platforms will have to tackle “online misogyny”.
Under the proposed amendments to the “Online Safety” bill, given that misogyny will be given a bloated, subjective, vague definition defined by feelings, articles like this may soon become a thing of the past.
I’ve lived in a few countries over the years, and I’ve never seen a society as obsessed about sexual politics as the British (save perhaps Turkey but in a very different way). I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, rather as factually as I can. I’ve been thinking whether this has some kind of value – and I think there is. All the music, movies, other art that come out of the UK probably build on this foundation. On the flip side, any given individual seems to be spending an awful amount of time and effort into “pairing”, I suspect this must be reducing the energy left for other more (economically) productive activities.
Your comment reminds me of the preface to an old Norton Critical Anthology of Restoration Comedy:
“The five plays in this volume are comedies about men and women who live in London, care for sex and money, and make fools of one another if not of themselves. There is nothing strange about this combination of activities, as anyone who has lived in London or cared for sex and money will know.”
If you’re going to obsess about something, is there a more appropriate object than sex? Surely not economic productivity! That’s why you’re on the look out for a wealthy widower, or naive young heiress. . .
Funny – thanks for the reference. The subtext to what I was saying above is, of course, whether sexual politics is a zero-sum game. On the face of it, it is. Who gets the young heiress doesn’t affect the overall wealth generated. But then, is it really?
Funny – thanks for the reference. The subtext to what I was saying above is, of course, whether sexual politics is a zero-sum game. On the face of it, it is. Who gets the young heiress doesn’t affect the overall wealth generated. But then, is it really?
Your comment reminds me of the preface to an old Norton Critical Anthology of Restoration Comedy:
“The five plays in this volume are comedies about men and women who live in London, care for sex and money, and make fools of one another if not of themselves. There is nothing strange about this combination of activities, as anyone who has lived in London or cared for sex and money will know.”
If you’re going to obsess about something, is there a more appropriate object than sex? Surely not economic productivity! That’s why you’re on the look out for a wealthy widower, or naive young heiress. . .
I’ve lived in a few countries over the years, and I’ve never seen a society as obsessed about sexual politics as the British (save perhaps Turkey but in a very different way). I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, rather as factually as I can. I’ve been thinking whether this has some kind of value – and I think there is. All the music, movies, other art that come out of the UK probably build on this foundation. On the flip side, any given individual seems to be spending an awful amount of time and effort into “pairing”, I suspect this must be reducing the energy left for other more (economically) productive activities.
Weirdoid, but whatever.
Weirdoid, but whatever.
“his starfish wife”. That’s the second time I’ve seen that expression in as many days. I must have missed some movie this is referencing. I don’t get it.
Consider yourself better off…
Me neither.
Well, there’s this thing called google….
Can’t be arsed.
Can’t be arsed.
Consider yourself better off…
Me neither.
Well, there’s this thing called google….
“his starfish wife”. That’s the second time I’ve seen that expression in as many days. I must have missed some movie this is referencing. I don’t get it.
“The gold standard for choosing a life partner in 2023 is not sexual purity, but sexual compatibility, which is to say that if a guy has a vanilla wife, it’s probably because he likes vanilla.”
Does the term “sexual compatibility” mean anything? – It’s the excuse people use when they don’t want to admit that their intimacy failures are emotional and psychological rather than carnal or anatomical.
And I wonder if this authoress honestly believes sexual history is no longer relevant to future husbands’ evaluations of potential wives? I grant you the measurements on the scale between ‘chaste’ and ‘easy’ have changed a bit, but the scale is still there, and it still matters. Of course it would, as it is hard-wired into us.
Does this fleeting phenomenon really require this kind of over analysis?
Does this fleeting phenomenon really require this kind of over analysis?
I’m sure the Andrew Tate fans who slither around this parish will agree wholeheartedly with all of this, as will most of the trads who wish we were back in some Edwardian golden age. The comments should be highly predictable as well as highly amusing.
“ The comments should be highly predictable as well as highly amusing.”
So far, you’re half right.
another contribution from Spectrum Boy. We are honoured.
It was highly predictable.
He’ll have the last laugh here. What self-absorbed TikTok thot could resist a man fresh from the fight of a centre-right comments section popular with the middle aged? As he raises his trusty fedora in greeting to the fair maidens they will know he alone defended their honour when it mattered most.
I wonder why you two come here. Banned from the Beano Forum perhaps.
PS: Graeme doesn’t understand laughter. – Poor Graeme!
Perhaps they should get a room…
I think Wesley gets it.
I’m still laughing at your attempts to reframe your hilarious misunderstandings as a “joke” – now that was funny!
Why don’t you say something about being on the spectrum to show us just how “funny” you are? That’s really side-splitting stuff that is….
It must be distracting for you to go through life with that constant whooshing sound as things go right over your head.
Or maybe you are just used to it by now?
It must be distracting for you to go through life with that constant whooshing sound as things go right over your head.
Or maybe you are just used to it by now?
It must be distracting for you to go through life with that constant whooshing sound as things go right over your head.
Or maybe you are just used to it by now?
Perhaps they should get a room…
I think Wesley gets it.
I’m still laughing at your attempts to reframe your hilarious misunderstandings as a “joke” – now that was funny!
Why don’t you say something about being on the spectrum to show us just how “funny” you are? That’s really side-splitting stuff that is….
It must be distracting for you to go through life with that constant whooshing sound as things go right over your head.
Or maybe you are just used to it by now?
Why on earth would a middle-aged man of the centre-right be interested in a wokewoad septum-pierced TikTok thot??!?
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Wokewoad
I wonder why you two come here. Banned from the Beano Forum perhaps.
PS: Graeme doesn’t understand laughter. – Poor Graeme!
Why on earth would a middle-aged man of the centre-right be interested in a wokewoad septum-pierced TikTok thot??!?
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Wokewoad
He’ll have the last laugh here. What self-absorbed TikTok thot could resist a man fresh from the fight of a centre-right comments section popular with the middle aged? As he raises his trusty fedora in greeting to the fair maidens they will know he alone defended their honour when it mattered most.
You can surely do better than this – can’t you?
Don’t need to. It’s like shooting ducks in a barrel.
You haven’t hit one yet, gramps
You haven’t hit one yet, gramps
Can’t be arsed.
Don’t need to. It’s like shooting ducks in a barrel.
Can’t be arsed.
It was highly predictable.
You can surely do better than this – can’t you?
We can’t return to the Edwardian golden age unfortunately. Back then you had to ask for a fathers permission…. and I’ll let you finish that open ended feed line with whatever punchlines come to mind.
…to change her gender.
Conservative humour will always be an oxymoron
But I am not a “conservative”. incel boy.
I am an old Bennite and I would hang you from the nearest lamp post. And this time I am not joking.
Tony Benn’s vicar on earth was my uncle.
“And this time I am not joking”
Really, gramps? Because you actually made me laugh there!
Tony Benn’s vicar on earth was my uncle.
“And this time I am not joking”
Really, gramps? Because you actually made me laugh there!
But I am not a “conservative”. incel boy.
I am an old Bennite and I would hang you from the nearest lamp post. And this time I am not joking.
Conservative humour will always be an oxymoron
…to change her gender.
Hey! It’s Comprof! Operating under a different pen name. Wow. I recognize the word and phrase choices that keep showing up. How you doing! What a trip.
He has regenerated has he? Rarely works out well. Lack of personality will always be with you.
He has regenerated has he? Rarely works out well. Lack of personality will always be with you.
“ The comments should be highly predictable as well as highly amusing.”
So far, you’re half right.
another contribution from Spectrum Boy. We are honoured.
We can’t return to the Edwardian golden age unfortunately. Back then you had to ask for a fathers permission…. and I’ll let you finish that open ended feed line with whatever punchlines come to mind.
Hey! It’s Comprof! Operating under a different pen name. Wow. I recognize the word and phrase choices that keep showing up. How you doing! What a trip.
I’m sure the Andrew Tate fans who slither around this parish will agree wholeheartedly with all of this, as will most of the trads who wish we were back in some Edwardian golden age. The comments should be highly predictable as well as highly amusing.