Even pre-Covid, 'MK' was a bit soulless. Credit: Dan Kitwood/Getty Images
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“A City Locks Down to Fight Coronavirus,” an extremely New York Times headline in the New York Times recently cried, “but Robots Come and Go.” The story it sits above concerns the tech start-ups using robots that look like ice boxes on wheels to deliver food and medicine to people during lockdown, and the problems they’ve inevitably rolled into on the way.
To British eyes, however, the robots are not the most striking thing about the piece. (Stories about how autonomous technologies could change the world, if only the world stopped being so damned complicated, are ten a penny these days.) The striking thing is the identity of the place that San Francisco’s Starship Technologies has identified as offering “ideal conditions… perfectly suited to rolling robots”. The city of the future is Milton Keynes.
To anyone who grew up in Britain, this feels a bit like seeing the grey lady describe Michael Portillo as a “popular public intellectual”: you can see how they got there, but no. Futuristic tech dystopias should be exciting and alluring, the sort of places you’re fascinated by even as you find them repulsive. Milton Keynes is none of those things: it’s desolate and suburban, an overgrown housing estate whose search for an identity that didn’t involve roundabouts led it to steal Wimbledon’s football team and convince itself that some cows made of concrete are in some way good. Silicon Valley may be on course to wipe out civilisation, but it is, at least, cool. Milton Keynes is absolutely not cool. Milton Keynes is a joke. (Q: What’s the difference between Milton Keynes and a yoghurt? A: A yoghurt has culture.)
The odd thing about MK — as, with the upsetting air of a 15-year-old boy trying to invent his own nickname, it likes to call itself — is that, from any perspective other than public esteem, it’s been a huge success. The area of north Buckinghamshire that the city now occupies was designated as the site of a new settlement in 1967, as part of the government’s third and final wave of planned “new towns”. The site, roughly halfway between London and Birmingham, was expected to take some of the overspill population from both. It would incorporate three existing towns (Bletchley, Wolverton, and Stony Stratford) and over a dozen villages, turning each into the focal point of one of its districts. The goal was a whole new city, with a target population of 250,000.
Throughout the 1980s and ’90s, in its quest to make this plan a reality, the Milton Keynes Development Corporation took the unusual approach of advertising its city on television. One 1984 ad follows a boy on a day out around the town — fishing, cycling, and so forth — with only a red balloon for company, all the while accompanied by the sort of music that would better suit the heroic climax of a film; at the end it asks, as if the question were in some way justified by the two minutes of film we’ve just watched, “Wouldn’t it be nice if all cities were like Milton Keynes?” In another, a different boy (Milton Keynes: no girls allowed) catalogues some of the uglier aspects of London life from a car window, discovers that Milton Keynes has fields, cows and so forth, and concludes, breathlessly, “I wish I lived here!”
Many people agreed with him. The ads made Milton Keynes a target for mockery in a way no other new town managed — there was a Jasper Carrott parody version of the latter — but in the three decades after 1981, the city’s population doubled, and it passed its target sometime around 2013. The Government is now talking of doubling it again. That’d make it bigger than Edinburgh.
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SubscribeMilton Keynes has a few good pubs but terrible night life in the way of clubs etc. If you want that, travel 30mins to London. The real soul of Milton Keynes is the 5000 acres of trust owned parkland, woods and lakes that are a short walk from my door. Endless playparks and family activities make up for grim nightclubs. There is also a fair bit of history in the 3 original towns worth exploring. The Redway cycle paths also mean I don’t use the car that much.
Having lived in Milton Keynes for over 30 years, I fail to see why anyone would not want to live here… Oh but they do hence the never ending expansion! As with most towns, we have pros and cons… Our nightlife admittedly has gone down the pan and they build far too many eating places that then make people obese.. Plus sides are the vast areas of greenery and land to walk and explore right all around you with gorgeous lakes. So it’s certainly not the worst place to live by far.
I’ve lived here in MK since I was 6, I’m nearly 43 now. Moved to London for a year aged 19, but came back home.
I absolutely love living and working here. I don’t quite get all the hate and mockery.
Sure, it has its faults (like many towns and cities), such as, poor public transport, not enough social housing, high house prices, homelessness, poor nightlife. Some of the newer housing estates can be soulless as there’s no community established.
But we do have an abundance of parks, lakes, canals, rivers, woods and forests. The grid roads are excellent and effective, most of the time you can travel from one side of MK to the other in ten minutes, or less. We rarely get traffic jams / congestion. We have old parts of MK which provide rich history and we are well connected by roads and rail. The redways (for pedestrians, cyclists and robots!) means you never have to cross over a 60mph / 70mph grid road. Great job market, lots of employment and some big name companies.
I tend to find that a lot of people that dislike / joke about / hate MK are those that haven’t spent any quality time here. Usually people that have passed through / stopped at the train, or coach station, been to a gig, concert, or football match. Only scratched a tiny part of the surface.
I have friends from around the UK who have visited and stayed with me and slowly got to see what a great place it is. They keep coming back.
I know I’m making it sound like utopia! 😂 But I do honestly love living here. Can you tell? 👀ðŸ˜
An article written by someone who has not lived in Milton Keynes nor ventured further than the center of the city. Of course Milton Keynes is unlike any other city in the UK, its meant to be! MK ( yes we locals use that term) has not evolved over hundreds of years in a random way but we LIKE that. We love being able to drive on duel carriageways lined with trees hiding the urbanization’s and industrial parks which are equally landscaped. We love the beautiful parks and path ways which entwine our city. History is all around Milton Keynes you just have to look further than the shopping center! Independent shops and cafes are everywhere and we love them all. To write about this city you need to live in it, to embrace it, to discover it not just visit a small part of it and make a fleeting judgement . I would agree that its not perfect, we are along way from the beach and to really get about you need a car, crime rates are going up along with the population numbers. Oh and night club life in Milton Keynes is lacking but maybe that’s because everyone is busy having a great time with all the activities ( indoor and outdoor) available that its actually not so important. Yes I love living in Milton Keynes.
Milton Keynes was possibly the most ambitious of the new towns – close to the M1 and the West Coast Main Line railway. It was built round a concept of near universal car ownership.The home of the Open University. As compared to other new towns – Milton Keynes is Skelmersdale on steroids. It is has size and scale but like the latter it is not the most user friendly of places to those who live there or visit who are not car owners. It merges into a series of dual carriageways surrounded by verdant greenery, punctuated by roundabouts filled with verdant greenery with signage covered by verdant greenery. Its fast roads encourage locals to drive like Jehu. As John Betjeman didn’t quite put it, ” And when we’ve finished bombing Slough – to Milton Keynes our bombs we vow.”
I’m rather surprised that you think this article worth publishing.
If it is all so horrible, why is it expanding?
Obviously many people prefer it to elsewhere!
“A quarter of a century later, it’s the fastest growing city in England, but in some ways it’s still barely there at all”. That’s the whole point. It’s not for visiting, it’s for living in.
What I found striking on my last visit to the soulless paradise of MK was the increase in homelessness. A number of the central subways had become tented settlements which added to the dystopian feel of the place.
The real Clockwork Orange world perhaps?
Been to Milton Keynes a few times for football. The best thing about it was the Wetherspoons pub and it wasn’t even a very nice Weatherspoons pub.
My wife and I visited MK just last year to spend some time with our son who lives there. This article is not a fair representation of the city. If you take a look at the TripAdvisor travel website, you will see that MK has more restaurants and cafes of greater variety than any other UK town of similar size. Yes, there are few Pubs in “central” MK, but there are outstanding ones in the suburban villages, easily reached by good roads in 20 minutes. The retail shopping is anything a consumer could want, with one of the largest shopping malls in Europe putting everything in walking distance. Central MK has none of the quaint charm of the Cotswolds, but then the Cotswold can be reached by road in, say two hours. The center does look very “American” with broad boulevards and open parking lots near offices and retail. It’s not quaint, but it is very livable.