It's very satisfying to watch these people not get what they want. Credit: Netflix
“Nobody can keep it in their pants these days because hooking up is as easy as swiping right.” So claims the narrator of Netflix’s new reality TV show, Too Hot to Handle, released last week. A group of gorgeous young hedonists assemble in paradise, believing themselves to be taking part in a show akin to Love Island, enjoying a month lounging around in swimsuits and hooking up. But, soon after they arrive, the twist is revealed: there is a prize of $100,000 available, but every time the contestants give in to erotic temptation — which includes sex, masturbation, kissing, and “heavy petting” — money will be deducted. Individual loss of control will therefore have group-level consequences, encouraging contestants to police one another. “This is like a horror movie,” wails one contestant when he finds out what he has unwittingly signed up for.
The contestants have been selected, not only for their beauty, but also for their particularly casual attitude towards romantic love. “I don’t really do relationships” says one, while another claims to have sex with a different woman every night. All are accustomed to effortlessly attracting suitors with their Instagram-perfect good looks but, as time goes on, we discover that they are less confident in their ability to form lasting relationships. This is, supposedly, the high-minded intention of the show: to teach these shallow young things how to form meaningful bonds without recourse to sex.
Of course the real appeal to viewers is schadenfreude. How deliciously satisfying to watch vapid, beautiful people told that they can’t have exactly what they want all the time, although I must admit that I found myself feeling more tender towards the contestants as it became clear how psychologically fragile they all were. No one acquires a body like that without excellent impulse control, and yet it seems that an ability to resist refined carbs doesn’t translate well into an ability to resist lust, perhaps because the challenge for these young people was less physical than it was emotional.
When one woman failed in her efforts to persuade a fellow contestant to break the rules, she seemed to crumble, having never before experienced sexual rejection. What do you do, when the only thing you’re good at is attracting sexual partners, and you’re not allowed to do that any more? Like all reality TV, this show places people in painful situations, and then lets the camera linger on their pain. But, unlike other reality TV, this shows pretends to be noble while tormenting its contestants.
Too Hot to Handle is a product of our times. The contestants arrived on set expecting to have sex with people they had just met for the entertainment of a TV audience. And, for the first 12 hours, before they learned the true premise of the show, they got right to it, with the camera zooming in on undulating tongues and kneading hands. This is a show that feeds on the toxic combination of exhibitionism and voyeurism encouraged by social media. It also relies on, and then manipulates, the expectations of our hypersexualised culture.
How quickly things change. In 1994, Wonderbra’s ‘Hello Boys’ posters were blamed for causing traffic accidents, with passing motorists distracted by Eva Herzigova’s boosted cleavage. A generation later, sexually explicit advertising is just wallpaper on the streetscape, barely even noticed. Graphic sex scenes in films have also been normalised, so much so that the idea of cutting away as characters kiss, leaving the rest to the imagination, now seems bizarrely old fashioned.
In her bestelling book Female Chauvinist Pigs, Ariel Levy described the environment for modern teenagers as like “a candyland of sex…every magazine stand is a gumdrop castle of breasts, every reality show is a bootylicious Tootsie Roll tree.” That was in 2005, when audiences could still be shocked by Big Brother contestants fumbling under the covers, whereas Love Island has long since jumped the shark when it comes to showing real sex on TV.
Of course, we mustn’t fall into the trap of assuming that our forebears were models of sexual propriety. For men who can afford it, prostitution has always been a source of sex on demand, often tacitly condoned. And, for men of particularly high status, sexual access to social ‘inferiors’ has frequently been accepted as a perk. But, for everyone else, and particularly women, our culture of easy access to casual sex — both real and virtual — is historically unique. The availability of reliable contraception and the decriminalisation of abortion has freed women from the fear of unwanted pregnancy, radically altering sexual politics among heterosexuals. Meanwhile, the arrival of the internet has heralded a new era of access to online porn, with an attendant shift in sexual norms.
Which means that, several decades on, hypersexuality doesn’t have the ability to scandalise us as it once did. In fact, it has become rather boring. Our culture has gorged on sex, so much so that it’s easy to glaze over when yet more taut flesh is paraded before us. The cleverness of Too Hot to Handle, and the secret to its success, is that it recognises this fact. If we can’t be surprised by sex any more, then what can we be surprised by? Chastity.
The continuing influence of the NoFap movement is a testament to this overloading of sexual stimulation. Founded in 2011 by the American web developer Alexander Rhodes, NoFap encourages followers to give up both porn and masturbation (‘fap’ being slang derived from the sound of a man pleasuring himself). Followers — overwhelmingly male — are offered freedom from the addictive power of porn, and the consequent sexual dysfunction that is shockingly common among young men, alongside more dubious promises such as greater energy and mental clarity. In general, NoFap adherents are not interested in feminist criticisms of porn, and in fact there is plenty of misogyny within the online community, with women often portrayed as succubi. Instead, NoFap is a movement orientated around self control as a masculine virtue.
This may be starting to sound familiar. NoFap is not an explicitly religious movement, but it undoubtedly draws from Christian themes, and Christianity is unusual among religious traditions in applying expectations of sexual continence not only to women, but also to men, framing the ability to resist the body’s demands as a sign of spiritual integrity. As the UnHerd contributor Tom Holland argues in his latest book, Dominion, we mustn’t underestimate the importance of Christianity in shaping our contemporary moral ideas, and the Christian emphasis on sexual restraint, however inconsistently adhered to, continues to resonate in our secular times.
Christians have often interpreted sexual impulses as opponents to do battle with. Saint Augustine writes of his body as an adversary:
“I was held fast, not in fetters clamped upon me by another, but by my own will, which had the strength of iron chains. The enemy held my will in his power and from it he made a chain and shackled me.”
Expressing the same idea, one of the Too Hot to Handle contestants speaks of her desire to challenge her willpower by resisting sexual desire: “I want to test my limits.” These old ideas lie in wait for anyone who wants to pick them up again, with or without any kind of religious framing, and indeed the vocabulary of chastity has already been put to good use by the diet industry, with much talk of temptation, indulgence, and sin. Much like dieting, which can only exist within an environment of abundant food, this form of self-denial can only exist within an environment of abundant access to sexual pleasure.
And we are living through an era of unprecedented sexual abundance. Historically, it is not uncommon for periods of Bacchinalian excess to alternate with periods of austerity, for instance the randy Georgians, reacting against their Puritan forebears, and in turn condemned by their Victorian grandchildren.
But then the Georgians didn’t have The Pill or the internet. Our culture is more pornified than any that has come before, so much so that perhaps we are about to hit a ceiling, no longer capable of adding any more breasts or buttocks to our screens or public spaces. And, in a culture that still honours Christian moral ideas, we shouldn’t be surprised to see a reaction against the decadence of hypersexualisation. When viewers become bored with a particular style of plastic sexiness, producers are forced to innovate, and may call upon older ideas about sex and the body that remain meaningful.
Too Hot to Handle offers up a lucrative combination of these two impulses, giving us the opportunity to drool over beautiful bodies, while simultaneously idealising chastity, or at least pretending to. And by playing with both hypersexuality and puritanism at an historical moment in which they are in tension, this shallow, exploitative, and compelling show, now tipped to be more successful than Love Island, may just have struck gold.
Join the discussion
Join like minded readers that support our journalism by becoming a paid subscriber
To join the discussion in the comments, become a paid subscriber.
Join like minded readers that support our journalism, read unlimited articles and enjoy other subscriber-only benefits.
SubscribeGood article with lots of interesting ideas. When it comes to our changing sexual mores, it will be interesting to see how altering our notions of proper sexual behaviour will impact the genders.
A good book that examines that question is Cheap Sex, which argues that porn and female ability to support themselves have combined to give men, for the first time, control of the marriage market. That’s because in the past, female chastity was used as a social norm to force men into marriage. Men had to be acceptable potential husbands in order to get sex- at least in theory.
But now females have lost that bargaining power, because they have surrendered their position as sexual sellers. They now compete not only with other women, but with porn as well. Men have learned that if one woman doesn’t want to have sex, many others will. Men can move easily from woman to woman, using and discarding them with ease. Females are now rendered completely vulnerable in the sexual marketplace.
The result is a lowering of the barriers that used to protect females from their own sexual desires. Todays empowered woman expects to have the same freedom as men.
But men are women are not equally vulnerable to the consequences of their libedos. Females risk pregnancy, while men can walk away. Marriage vows used to protect women and kids, forcing men into life-long servitude to support them.
Now MGTOW tells men that a man needs a woman like a bicycle needs a fish, while the marriage strike movement teaches men not to marry. So men are dropping out of marriage and careers, taking care of themselves first, leaving women competing for an ever-decreasing pool of acceptable marriage partners. Turns out that by 35, most women who put their careers first are now freezing their eggs, still waiting for Mr. Right.
But Mr. Right learned a long time ago that he no longer needs to marry to get sex. So marriage rates drop, and both women and men turn to porn and masturbation for sexual relief. The use of porn by women is at least 30% for visual porn (higher among younger females), and is almost exclusively female for written porn (Think of 50 Shades).
Feminism may have freed women to enter the workplace (although why anyone thinks this is “liberation” is unclear), while men can now lead lives unencumbered by female needs or demands. Feminism, it turns out, liberated men too, although feminists seem oblivious to this new reality.
Interesting conversation but sooner or later many men grow tired of sexual dishonesty or ‘fast food’ sex. Men desire to be fathers, too, and many men have the sense to take positive steps in terms of managing their fatherhood experience. Often this involves marriage. Many people both male and female wish to have a life that matters, and that includes a desire for family. Love springs eternal John and these newer generations are more interconnected and informed than ever In terms of making conscious and positive choices. Yes narcissism has probably risen exponentially amongst the selfie generation. But I see less of the gen-x style existential angst / cynicism.
Many men will no doubt grow tired of fast food sex. But that’s not the point. All it takes is a slight shift in male attitudes towards marriage by some men to create a seismic shift in behaviour. When women could count on other women to hold the line by restricting sex, they controlled the marriage market. They can no longer count on that support. That’s why, by the way, most shaming of female sexual behaviour comes from other women, not men.
And of course many men want to be fathers. But they don’t need a marriage, or even a long term relationship to do that. Women, on the other hand, are left in a financial mess without the support of a husband, and kids raised without a father, particularly girls, don’t do very well academically or psychologically.
As for the claim that this generation are more interconnected, that’s true but irrelevant. The fact is they’re not connected to each other, but to Facebook and Twitter. Rates of sexual activity and marriage are both dropping.
As I said before, men are increasingly turning away from long term commitments, freeing them to explore what it means to be a man without the obligation of fatherhood or marriage. When women tried that in the 90’s, they were lauded as trail blazers. When men do it, they’re told they’re immature. The reality is that they’re making a rational choice to avoid being forced by cultural norms to be wage slaves to support women and kids.
Again this writer spews drivel not supported by real facts. The fact is for men there is not a feast of sex, quite the opposite.
Statistics of dating and hook up websites are consistent.
1. The top 20% of the male pool get sex with 80% of the female pool
2. 100% of the female pool get multiple to unmanageable sexual offers
3. 60% of the male pool get ZERO offers of meeting or sex
So the only group gorging on sex is the female portion of the population and still this author whinges and whines about the poor, poor women. This is the Femanazi environment we live in. You (Women) have all the choices, created the environment and still you complain.
The author lives in a fantasy world where it is not commonplace for women to exchange sexual access for status of the man she sleeps with. This is in fact the very anthropological nature of human sexuality. (Ref: Dr Diana Fleischman) That is why the best 20 out of every hundred men are hunted by the women on these sites.
The historical nature of human procreation for the last 10,000 years according to Dr Fleischman and other references is that half the male population have ZERO offspring and the average female has 2.6 for the same period. This number needs to be interpreted by the fact that up until the 1920’s one in three children died in birthing and one in six women died. Death of mothers occuring most often with first birth. Which mean average women had more than 3 children.
Little wonder the number of InCels and NoFap groups grow. They have no choice. Want to find a good man well just walk down your local high street you will pass about 40 working all the dirty jobs women refuse to do. This will also make women, like the author, reject any interaction with them. The fact is most women are not interested in good men, they are interested in men that give them “what they deserve”. And in the estimation of the Femanazis that is everything you’ve got and more.
If you think InCels and NoFaps are bad, get ready for the next incarnation. I recently heard of the new mens movement called “OppedOut”. Entire communities of discrete men purchasing communal land where they retake control of the productivity of their lives. You can bet that membership will be exclusive and if the standard of living is high enough there will be women lining up at the door eager to give it up for the lifestyle.
Unless there is going to be a fair discussion about modern relationships, I see a desertion of good men from every community. Women who like to cast pejoratives like misogynist at any man that advocates for his own agency. Agency being the usual human right to self-determine how he will enjoy his life without duress of unreasonable demands and persecution for not bowing to the Cult of Neo-Marxist Femanazi dogma.
To women who want to persist with the current trend of “toxifying men” for being a man, I say to you I hope you like unhappiness because you are going to have allot of it.
This is what I’m hearing – not that we are experiencing a feast of sexual activity (that was the 1960s and 70s), but that we are bored to death by the pornification of everything to the point where fewer and fewer people are having actual sex. It’s a sex recession, turning into a depression.
Look at the data instead of memes!
I’ve practiced chastity my whole life and now I find out that what was once made me a cause of incredulity now makes me hip – sweet!
An interesting essay and thought provoking essay, although somewhat short on historical accuracy.
We are not ” living through an era of unprecedented sexual abundance”. As Tom Holland I am sure will confirm, that era was two thousand years ago with Ancient Greece and Rome, when the sky was limit when it came to sexual excitement.
For nearly a thousand years the Olympic Games and all the other great Pan Hellenic Games were held stark naked, the gymnasium, derives from the Greek word gymnos, eg : naked etc
However your mention of St Augustine (of Hippo) gets to the heart of the problem; Christianity.
As a Semitic religion, it brought with it all the sexual mores of the desert. A horror of nudity, peculiar ideas about menstruation, and famously the practice of circumcision. All these ‘customs’ being dictated no doubt, by the environment, hot and very, very, sandy.
To the Greeks and Romans these ideas were absurd, in particular circumcision, which was regarded as self mutilation.
Unfortunately however, due to the eventual triumph of Christianity, these ideas and similar ones, such as manic misogyny, became part of main stream European culture, thus gifting us an appallingly neurotic vision of sexual behaviour, and many other perversions, too numerous to mention.
.
I didn’t know that circumcision was a feature of Christianity? As an occasionally practicing Christian of many years standing, I’ve obviously missed out (thank goodness!).
You seem to have misunderstood me. Circumcision is a Semitic practice that it is axiomatic for both practicing Jews and members of Islam to follow. It almost certainly pre dates these two ‘faiths’ by thousands of years.
Christianity is essentially yet another Semitic faith, but not as rigorous in its application of circumcision, due to the ridicule and revulsion it engendered in its host community, the Classical World. The Emperor Hadrian for example, was not a great fan!
“The World was up and running thousands of years before the arrival of the pernicious creed, now known as Christianity. It brought nothing new to the ‘party’ except for the preposterous idea that there was both judgement and life after death”
Your anti-Christian & Muslim bias is surpassed only by your ignorance. You’ve clearly never read either the Bible or Koran otherwise you’d realise the derisory inaccuracy of your statement.
Have you honestly read both the Bible and the Koran from cover to cover?
If you had, you would realise how ludicrous these monotheistic tomes are.
Might I suggest reading the ideas of Socrates, Plato and Aristotle so that you may understand the concept of logic?
It will be a very rewarding start for your eventual ‘renaissance’. Good luck.
When you come eventually to face your Creator… God help you with your ‘logic’.
Thank you.
You’re onto something. I’m not sure why you’re getting negative/zero feedback. Yes, Christianity was and is a Semitic desert religion, tempered by the influence of Greece and Rome once it left Palestine for Europe. “They don’t make Jews like Jesus anymore” -Kinky Friedman
It is not. God decreed to Abraham in the old covenant that all Jewish males were to be circumcised (Genesis 17:10). Under the New Covenant this is no longer the case as St Paul says in his First Letter to the Corinthians (7:19) “For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but seeing the commandments for God”.
Mark Corby doesn’t know what he is taking about and is just spewing anti-Christian prejudices.
Your interpretation of St Paul, is, to say the least peculiar. Surely he Is merely referring here to Gentiles and Jews being equal in the sight of God?
Again, to reiterate, circumcision is a Semitic practice, almost certainly adopted for ‘environmental’ reasons not theological!
Your final barb only shows you to be yet another member of the ” gadarene swine” heading for that proverbial cliff.(Mark 5:1-20).
Please move to Egypt where I am sure the Muslim brotherhood will greet you with open arms.
Your inference that Judeo/Christian values are not the backbone of both the prosperity and human advancement of this world are laughable. That is why the list of people breaking their neck to get into these countries are countless and jellyfish like you won’t leave either.
Temper temper! Male hysterics such as you yourself need to attend anger management classes forthwith.
Which Judeo/Christian ‘values’ precisely are “the background of both the prosperity and human advancement ” etc?
The World was up and running thousands of years before the arrival of the pernicious creed, now known as Christianity. It brought nothing new to the ‘party’ except for the preposterous idea that there was both judgement and life after death.
Had the man we now call Jesus annunciated these ludicrous ideas in say, the Athenian Agora in time of Pericles, he would have been laughed out of court, and been fortunate to have got off with a caution.
Your obvious fanaticism demeans you, you must try harder.
So you are off to Egypt then? Or are you staying in this Judeo/Christian hell hole?
Do you have to be so crude, and can
you not control your rather obvious temper?
Are you also incapable of answering the question I asked you yesterday about the supposed Christian values etc?
Finally, your pseudonym and the photo in the cartouche lead me to believe that you maybe Scotch? In which case, you have my heartfelt commiserations.
So you’re a racist then that hates Celts? Good to know. Please send your flight details so we can all wave goodbye at the airport.
Who are or what are the Celts?
Come on Scott, you have had more than 48 hours to annunciated the Christian values you were bleating about.
Incidentally in response to one your previous outbursts, the Moslem Brotherhood have almost ceased to exist in Egypt, thanks to the commendable efforts of President Abdel Khali el-Sisi.
Would you also prefer to be addressed as Rob Roy II (RR II), it would probably be apposite.
Finally, yes, I shall be staying in this
“Judeo/Christian hell hole” as you so charmingly put it.
So Jesus would have got off very lightly then in Athenian Agora in the time of Pericles as he was nailed to a cross and crucified for preaching these truths to his own people.
Are you asking a question or stating a fact? The lack of a question mark makes your remark ambiguous.
However, let me assume it is the later. Do you not understand the expression ” got off with a caution “?
I shall give you a clue, it does not mean crucifixion.
Greco-Roman culture was pretty misogynistic also, just read Lysistrata by Aristophanes. But admittedly in a very different way given the widely divergent moral underpinnings of paganism.
This clash between Athens and Rome, between the classical world and the medieval one, both themselves full of conflicting and complicated ideologies and interpretations, is part of what makes it the West unique, there are a great number of discordant ideas rattling around. Only China and India have had the same kind of civilisational dissonance, but without the drop of monotheism never developed the need to create all consuming ideological banners in the way the West has over the last 500 years in repeated revolutionary waves from the Renaissance and Reformation to today.