Can monkeys predict the US election?

A team of three monkeys has released a prediction on the upcoming election. Rather, they’ve concluded that it’s a dead tie, though the panel did favour Tim Walz over J.D. Vance for vice president.

The macaques are part of a University of Pennsylvania project, and have correctly guessed the winners of Senate and gubernatorial races 54.5% of the time in hundreds of elections — slightly better than a random guess.

When presented with images of candidates, the monkeys fix their eyes on losers and avoid the gaze of winners, with the latter being viewed as too high-status for prolonged eye contact. In other words, alphas win elections and betas lose, and monkeys are physiognomy experts. They typically view females as lower status, so their reluctance to choose Trump over Harris doesn’t speak well to The Donald’s status as an alpha male. Just imagine what they could do if given a typewriter…