X Close

Momfluencers won’t absolve your guilt Perfect motherhood is a costly fantasy

Is it a real job? (Getty)


April 18, 2023   6 mins

Maternal guilt is a bottomless resource. Enter the momfluencer. She’s like an influencer — but her particular genius is to target the most vulnerable, the most guilt-ridden the most exhausted consumer. New mothers. The genius of the momfluencer is to know that her targets are terrified that if they do the wrong thing, they’ll permanently damage their offspring. And she tells them that everything will be okay, if only they acquire the right thing.

Sara Petersen has, by her own admission, been momfluenced. In her new book, she grapples with these fascinating and objectionable women — rich, white mothers who Instagram their lives, often using sponsored content. She recounts how one inspired her to buy a $460 sweater — buyer’s regret soon followed. More unsettling, though, is her confession that momfluencers might have been behind her decision to have another child: “Maybe my longing for a third baby was also impacted, at least a little bit, by momfluencers… who made pregnancy and motherhood look good. I forgot to credit them for being one of the many fucked-up reasons I craved another baby.”

To be any influencer is to perform your real life, and discreetly weave in advertisements. To be a momfluencer, however, means roping your children into the frame, selling their sweetest, saddest, and most awkward moments to as wide an audience as possible. This poses major ethical issues, some of which predate the contemporary influencer era: no one really likes having their childhoods monetised. Much of the argument surrounding momfluencers focuses on the exploitation of minors. But Petersen is more interested in the exploitation of mothers — or, more specifically, the exploitation of the status anxieties that accompany motherhood.

Petersen self-flagellates for being swayed by these saleswomen, but she can afford to be. As she acknowledges, she shares demographic traits with the women she’s quasi-hate-following: “white, thin, conventionally attractive”, upper-middle-class Americans with giant kitchens. As Clarissa Sebag-Montefiore points out in an Aeon essay: “most momfluencers aren’t struggling, working-class mothers living in public housing and surviving on food stamps, but middle-class women who already exist in material comfort, and whose message to the rest of us is consume, consume, consume”.

If things were different, there would be a feminist case for supporting momfluencers’ endeavours as a way of making parenting lucrative — and increasing society’s respect for domestic work. But momfluencers are not, as a rule, achieving financial independence from their labour: they are making peanuts. We could call them privileged, because they do not need to work. But how do we define need, in this situation? If a woman’s husband makes enough money to support the family, that’s something, for now. But what if his income changes? What if they split up? There was a time when feminism recognised that even women with very gainfully employed husbands are harmed if they fall out of the workforce entirely.

Petersen writes that her “husband’s job sustains us financially”, an aside that reminds us a serious book author is in the same economic situation as a momfluencer. And this is the case for plenty of female writers. When poet Maggie Smith lamented that her now-ex-husband, a lawyer, prioritised his career over hers, it was hard not to think of the financial dichotomy that almost certainly backed up his assessment. In one sense, this isn’t about sexism, but rather about some careers paying better than others. In another, there’s a reason it’s women who often wind up in these lower-paid, creative, and flexible endeavours. Pregnancy, childbirth, and being the primary carer of young children are all roles which lend themselves to financial dependency, at least temporarily. Momfluencing offers at least the prospect of a middle-ground path: a way to work without having to be separated from your young children or spending your entire salary on childcare.

But it also offers something to more traditionally employed mothers: a dream they might be able to buy into. Much of what Petersen writes about being “addicted to shopping”, as a means of self-improvement resonates more than I’d like it to. Shopping, at least the kind of shopping Petersen describes, is a manifestation of powerlessness. It’s what you do when you’re not getting validation in other parts of your life. It is also the only activity available to you if it’s 3am and you’re feeding a newborn and you don’t have the mental capacity for anything more than scrolling. But all mothers are vulnerable. Once you’re the one in the household buying the practical stuff — a task that tends to fall to the lower-paid partner — why not treat yourself? The temptation is there, even when the money is not, and consumer capitalism exploits it.

And the backdrop of Petersen’s story is the pandemic, which turned even normal people into very-online neurotics, offering ample opportunities to sink into social media, form parasocial relationships with rich people half a world away, and click “purchase” on whatever they were selling. This was fertile territory for the momfluencer phenomenon, though it persists in the post-lockdown age. It was also fertile territory for the social justice movement that took off in those years. Petersen makes sure we know that, though she buys what the fancy white-lady momfluencers are selling, politically, she thinks they’re awful. After all, they valorise whiteness, thinness, wealth, and other traits that Petersen may personally share, but thinks ought not to be treated as aspirational.

Here it helps to remember that 2020-2021 was the “Karen” era. After some years of #MeToo, pussy hats, and a liberal notion that women are society’s victims, George Floyd’s murder led to a liberal epiphany that it is in fact only black people whose victimhood should count. This meant that white women were not merely part of an oppressive group but, worse, oppressors guilty of seeing themselves as victims. Progressive white women — moms and otherwise — offered up tearful promises to “do the work”, which tended to involve reading fellow white woman Robin DiAngelo’s book White Fragility. White, female influencers — Leandra “Man Repeller” Medine, Emily “Cupcakes and Cashmere” Schuman — apologised for past misdeeds and platformed women of colour. As a good white liberal, Petersen goes out in search of unproblematic momfluencers, and finds them in abundance: black, transgender, disabled, lower-income, or fat, these women are posting about motherhood, too. They’re not influencing anyone to buy unnecessary high-end household items, though: they’re serving a different function, reminding us that being a good parent doesn’t demand being a rich white lady with a design-magazine-worthy kitchen.

A binary springs up: as Petersen presents it, a generic rich white lady’s posting is performative at best, white supremacist at worst. But the minute the poster happens to be marginalised in some way — that is, in a way that registers for today’s progressives — she is engaging in important online activism. I’m thinking especially of when, acknowledging her own “thin privilege”, she gives the floor to a plus-size momfluencer named Mia, whose concerns are arguably too specific to merit an airing. “Mia wishes Kindred Bravely [a company that makes nursing bras, presumably] would do better; she says their nursing bra is incredible but only goes up to size XXL.” Elsewhere, Petersen atones for having purchased a “The Future is Female” shirt prior to learning that the slogan “is widely considered problematic, exclusionary of trans people, and inherently anti-intersectional feminist”. If buying the shirt in the first place was extremely 2016-2017, apologising for having done so was extremely the vibe of the years that followed. Petersen, always, is on trend.

But she is at her best when she doesn’t write as though trying to appease an implacable sensitivity reader — when she steps down from acting as the voice of liberal white moms, and instead delves into her own specific experience. It’s here that she winds up, paradoxically, getting to the root of maternal self-flagellation. “Most days,” she reads, “I’d rather vacuum the Cheerio crumbs under my baby’s high chair than read a Sandra Boynton book to him. I’d rather scroll through someone else’s tender moments than try to locate my own.”

Confessing that one is sometimes bored when entertaining one’s baby is riskier than acknowledging one’s privilege. It sets things up for a reader to ask whether you actually love your baby, you monster, even though of course you love your baby, that’s not the issue. The issue is that baby-minding, even when it’s your own uniquely fascinating-to-you baby, can be a dispiriting mix of strenuous and monotonous. It should be possible to admit this without it reading as an insult to the baby. (We were all, once, that baby.)

The challenge of being in the moment with even the most delightful baby has no policy-based solution. It’s not specific to American capitalism. It is something experienced by women — yes and some men, but, you know, you know — of all nationalities and demographics. It doesn’t matter how rich, thin, or white she is, or how paraben-free her medicine cabinet. Momfluencers allow their mom-followers an escape from the realities of motherhood by way of a fantasy version of the same. But in doing so, they make mothers feel bad about their lives not matching up to that ideal. That feeling, in turn, summons the credit card. Not that it helps.


Phoebe Maltz Bovy is a writer based in Toronto. She is the author of The Perils of “Privilege” and co-host of the Feminine Chaos podcast.

BovyMaltz

Join the discussion


Join like minded readers that support our journalism by becoming a paid subscriber


To join the discussion in the comments, become a paid subscriber.

Join like minded readers that support our journalism, read unlimited articles and enjoy other subscriber-only benefits.

Subscribe
Subscribe
Notify of
guest

27 Comments
Most Voted
Newest Oldest
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Walter Egon
Walter Egon
1 year ago

*weary sigh*

Jeff Butcher
Jeff Butcher
1 year ago
Reply to  Walter Egon

Heh!

Jeff Butcher
Jeff Butcher
1 year ago
Reply to  Walter Egon

Heh!

Walter Egon
Walter Egon
1 year ago

*weary sigh*

Anthony Roe
Anthony Roe
1 year ago

Have you ever considered doing some productive work? You could collect litter and sweep the local roadsides.

Anthony Roe
Anthony Roe
1 year ago

Have you ever considered doing some productive work? You could collect litter and sweep the local roadsides.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago

“[Shopping] is also the only activity available to you if it’s 3am and you’re feeding a newborn and you don’t have the mental capacity for anything more than scrolling.”
Bosh. Women were up at night with babies long before “scrolling” existed. I remember watching “South Pacific” on Turner Classics every night for two weeks with my third child. Then they changed the schedule, and we watched “Oklahoma.” I learned all the songs, and my son still likes musicals.

Allison Barrows
Allison Barrows
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Turner Classics and AMC sustained me through two infants, as did Nick at Nite. Shopping? Ugh. I’ve lived in Florida for over two years and still haven’t bought a bathing suit. And I’m a size 5.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago

C-SPAN came on at 5:00 a.m. with an early preview of upcoming government. When we got a VCR – 5th baby? – it was like a miracle.

Allison Barrows
Allison Barrows
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Oh, you said it! I had horrible hives for nearly 15 months due to lack of sleep when my youngest was born. But five babies! You EARNED that VCR!

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago

Ten. We got a DVD player eventually.

L Walker
L Walker
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

That’s quite a hobby you got there, Cynthia.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago
Reply to  L Walker

Keeps me off the streets and out of the bars.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago
Reply to  L Walker

Keeps me off the streets and out of the bars.

Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Wow… salut! Wish I could have had my preferred number but like many of my generation I waited too long…

L Walker
L Walker
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

That’s quite a hobby you got there, Cynthia.

Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Wow… salut! Wish I could have had my preferred number but like many of my generation I waited too long…

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago

Ten. We got a DVD player eventually.

Allison Barrows
Allison Barrows
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Oh, you said it! I had horrible hives for nearly 15 months due to lack of sleep when my youngest was born. But five babies! You EARNED that VCR!

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago

C-SPAN came on at 5:00 a.m. with an early preview of upcoming government. When we got a VCR – 5th baby? – it was like a miracle.

miss pink
miss pink
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Only if you think feeding your child is not an activity worthy of consideration. Not sure if this entire article is satire or not??

Allison Barrows
Allison Barrows
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Turner Classics and AMC sustained me through two infants, as did Nick at Nite. Shopping? Ugh. I’ve lived in Florida for over two years and still haven’t bought a bathing suit. And I’m a size 5.

miss pink
miss pink
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Only if you think feeding your child is not an activity worthy of consideration. Not sure if this entire article is satire or not??

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago

“[Shopping] is also the only activity available to you if it’s 3am and you’re feeding a newborn and you don’t have the mental capacity for anything more than scrolling.”
Bosh. Women were up at night with babies long before “scrolling” existed. I remember watching “South Pacific” on Turner Classics every night for two weeks with my third child. Then they changed the schedule, and we watched “Oklahoma.” I learned all the songs, and my son still likes musicals.

Jeff Butcher
Jeff Butcher
1 year ago

“The challenge of being in the moment with even the most delightful baby has no policy-based solution. It’s not specific to American capitalism. It is something experienced by women — yes and some men, but, you know, you know — of all nationalities and demographics. “

There is one policy based solution that the United States remains incapable of adopting and that is parental leave of some sort. But why examine these sorts of ideas that might make a difference when you can spend your time droning on about ‘whiteness’ and fat people?

Give me strength!

Oh, and apart from the breast feeding, I shared the care of our infants with my wife, and I’m terribly white and male and hetero and not even that fat.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago
Reply to  Jeff Butcher

How would parental leave policies change the reality of infant care? Taking care of a baby is delightful, exhausting, boring, exasperating, disgusting, frightening … in various combinations and sequences.
I understood Ms. Bovy’s point to be that “momfluencers” present only the most appealing aspects (and fashion accessories), giving the impression that if a mother experiences anything but joy, there is something wrong with her.

Jeff Butcher
Jeff Butcher
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Well, it would certainly make the early months a lot less arduous, especially for the mother

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago
Reply to  Jeff Butcher

In some cases, that is certainly true.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago
Reply to  Jeff Butcher

In some cases, that is certainly true.

Jeff Butcher
Jeff Butcher
1 year ago
Reply to  Cynthia W.

Well, it would certainly make the early months a lot less arduous, especially for the mother

Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  Jeff Butcher

Babies need crucial bonding time with their mothers for the first 3 years. Parental leave does not help with that.

Cynthia W.
Cynthia W.
1 year ago
Reply to  Jeff Butcher

How would parental leave policies change the reality of infant care? Taking care of a baby is delightful, exhausting, boring, exasperating, disgusting, frightening … in various combinations and sequences.
I understood Ms. Bovy’s point to be that “momfluencers” present only the most appealing aspects (and fashion accessories), giving the impression that if a mother experiences anything but joy, there is something wrong with her.

Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  Jeff Butcher

Babies need crucial bonding time with their mothers for the first 3 years. Parental leave does not help with that.

Jeff Butcher
Jeff Butcher
1 year ago

“The challenge of being in the moment with even the most delightful baby has no policy-based solution. It’s not specific to American capitalism. It is something experienced by women — yes and some men, but, you know, you know — of all nationalities and demographics. “

There is one policy based solution that the United States remains incapable of adopting and that is parental leave of some sort. But why examine these sorts of ideas that might make a difference when you can spend your time droning on about ‘whiteness’ and fat people?

Give me strength!

Oh, and apart from the breast feeding, I shared the care of our infants with my wife, and I’m terribly white and male and hetero and not even that fat.

polidori redux
polidori redux
1 year ago

No doubt I will soon join Joe Biden in the land of dribbling senility, but before I do I wll live through a period of watching the world go madder and madder.
In other news, or so I read, a chap in Missouri shot and killed a young kid who knocked on his front door. In the worst days of Olde England it was not customary to answer the front door waving your best weapon, and it was considered polite to ask “What do you want?” before killing someone.
Gawd ‘elp you all!
Edit: I misead the report. The boy wasn’t killed. Presumably the old fool in question couldn’t even shoot straight.

Last edited 1 year ago by polidori redux
Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  polidori redux

Still believing the media narrative eh? Here’s a tip…when they point out the races involved they are spinning a pov and it might be best to wait for more details.

polidori redux
polidori redux
1 year ago
Reply to  Kat L

Man shoots boy on doorstep in broad daylight. What kind of batshit crazy madhouse of a country are you living in?
Okay, give me your “narrative”.

polidori redux
polidori redux
1 year ago
Reply to  Kat L

Man shoots boy on doorstep in broad daylight. What kind of batshit crazy madhouse of a country are you living in?
Okay, give me your “narrative”.

Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  polidori redux

Still believing the media narrative eh? Here’s a tip…when they point out the races involved they are spinning a pov and it might be best to wait for more details.

polidori redux
polidori redux
1 year ago

No doubt I will soon join Joe Biden in the land of dribbling senility, but before I do I wll live through a period of watching the world go madder and madder.
In other news, or so I read, a chap in Missouri shot and killed a young kid who knocked on his front door. In the worst days of Olde England it was not customary to answer the front door waving your best weapon, and it was considered polite to ask “What do you want?” before killing someone.
Gawd ‘elp you all!
Edit: I misead the report. The boy wasn’t killed. Presumably the old fool in question couldn’t even shoot straight.

Last edited 1 year ago by polidori redux
Matt M
Matt M
1 year ago

Surely making motherhood attractive to young women is exactly what is needed at a time when many women are unwittingly putting off marriage and having children until it is too late for them biologically.
And I’m not sure what is wrong about being white, slim, attractive and having a wealthy husband and a bunch of happy kids. It seems a perfectly reasonable thing to aspire to.

woman female
woman female
1 year ago
Reply to  Matt M

It’s not unwittingly, circumstance of today’s social & economic reality, everything listed in the last part including ascribing status to having white skin may be aspirational or sold as such but its out of reach for the majority.

Matt M
Matt M
1 year ago
Reply to  woman female

I think it is done unwittingly. Women have about ten years – 20 to 30 – to get hitched and start having kids. Too many of them (and the men they should be marrying) put it off until it is too late.
We should of course use policies to make it easier to buy a home and start a family.

Last edited 1 year ago by Matt M
Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  Matt M

Very true but until it becomes discouraged to rack up a high body count, pursue a fab career and then seek a high status man while discarding decent ones willing to commit, the issue won’t be solved anytime soon I’m afraid.

woman female
woman female
1 year ago
Reply to  Kat L

What’s needed is a redrawing and reframing of the conversation, the circumstances as you described them sound wonderful if you can get it! issue is that most are not able too.

woman female
woman female
1 year ago
Reply to  Kat L

What’s needed is a redrawing and reframing of the conversation, the circumstances as you described them sound wonderful if you can get it! issue is that most are not able too.

Kat L
Kat L
1 year ago
Reply to  Matt M

Very true but until it becomes discouraged to rack up a high body count, pursue a fab career and then seek a high status man while discarding decent ones willing to commit, the issue won’t be solved anytime soon I’m afraid.

Matt M
Matt M
1 year ago
Reply to  woman female

I think it is done unwittingly. Women have about ten years – 20 to 30 – to get hitched and start having kids. Too many of them (and the men they should be marrying) put it off until it is too late.
We should of course use policies to make it easier to buy a home and start a family.

Last edited 1 year ago by Matt M
woman female
woman female
1 year ago
Reply to  Matt M

It’s not unwittingly, circumstance of today’s social & economic reality, everything listed in the last part including ascribing status to having white skin may be aspirational or sold as such but its out of reach for the majority.

Matt M
Matt M
1 year ago

Surely making motherhood attractive to young women is exactly what is needed at a time when many women are unwittingly putting off marriage and having children until it is too late for them biologically.
And I’m not sure what is wrong about being white, slim, attractive and having a wealthy husband and a bunch of happy kids. It seems a perfectly reasonable thing to aspire to.

Benedict Waterson
Benedict Waterson
1 year ago

Fascinating stuff

woman female
woman female
1 year ago

Great piece as always I want to be mother one-day reminds me to not get attached to a specific image of motherhood & maintain avenues of personal fulfillment outside of projecting a image even to myself