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		<title>Advice - UnHerd</title>
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		<description>think again</description>
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					<title>Advice for Gen Z: avoid cocaine and learn to sew</title>
					<link>https://unherd.com/2024/10/advice-for-gen-z-avoid-cocaine-and-learn-to-sew/?edition=us</link>
											<comments>https://unherd.com/2024/10/advice-for-gen-z-avoid-cocaine-and-learn-to-sew/?edition=us#comments</comments>
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										<unherd:main_theme>misspent youth</unherd:main_theme>
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																<unherd:article_ranking>3</unherd:article_ranking>
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							<![CDATA[Contributors include, from left: Nick Cave, Bret Easton Ellis, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Gillian Anderson, Slavoj Žižek, Jonathan Sumption, Lias Saoudi ]]>
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										<pubDate>Thu, 17 Oct 2024 23:00:56 +0000</pubDate>
					<updated>Sat, 19 Oct 2024 09:48:58 +0000</updated>
							<category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[20s]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Advice]]></category>
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								<![CDATA[Words of wisdom from the experts]]>
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								<![CDATA[<p>As anxieties about the younger generation escalate, and a new cohort leaves home, a select gathering of contributors have some words of advice:</p>
<p><strong>Gillian Anderson, Actor </strong></p>
<p>It’s been a minute since I was in my 20s and the world has changed drastically since I was. But I have a fair few Gen Zs in my life and I want to shout through a megaphone: Give yourself a break!!!!! Don’t take everything so seriously!!! Do not waste a second stressing about getting your life sorted, having a career, figuring everything out. Give yourself permission to do everything and anything. Give something a go and if that doesn’t feel right, try something else. So much can be learned from allowing yourself to &#8220;fail&#8221;, getting back on your feet and trying again. Have fun experimenting. And most important of all, spend time making long-lasting friends. In future, which like it or not comes for us all, you will regret not making the most out of your youth when you had it.</p>
<p><strong><a href="https://unherd.com/2022/12/how-grief-made-me-a-person/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Nick Cave</a>, Musician </strong></p>
<p>Be kind, be bold, be civil, read books, get off social media, stay alert, love stuff, create, build, reform, forgive, converse, and stop breaking things. <span style="font-weight: 400;">I wish that back then I had known about the preciousness of things.</span></p>
<p><strong><a href="https://unherd.com/author/helen-thompson/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Helen Thompson</a>, Author and academic</strong></p>
<p>I wish I had known both that you have to choose the best of yourself and run with it <em>and</em> that the chances to thrive are not what one assumes or expects. I wish I had both had more conviction of purpose <em>and</em> practiced more humility.</p>
<div class="su-pullquote su-pullquote-align-left">&#8220;<span style="font-weight: 400;">My only advice to anyone in their teens and early 20s would be: ignore the advice of anyone over, say, 25.</span>&#8220;</div>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/2023/02/bret-easton-ellis-my-generation-wanted-to-be-offended/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Bret Easton Ellis</a>, Novelist and Screenwriter<br />
</b></p>
<p>Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha &#x200d;&#x200d;*shrug emoji*</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/john-jeremiah-sullivan/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">John Jeremiah Sullivan</a>, Author and essayist</b></p>
<p><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" class="alignnone wp-image-630580 " src="https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png" alt="" width="751" height="449" srcset="https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png 1248w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=300,179 300w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=768,459 768w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=1024,612 1024w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=267,160 267w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=253,151 253w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=250,149 250w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=660,395 660w, https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Screenshot-2024-10-17-at-18.09.53-e1729185515812.png?resize=480,287 480w" sizes="(max-width: 751px) 100vw, 751px" /></p>
<p><strong><a href="https://unherd.com/author/kathleen-stock/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Kathleen Stock</a>, Writer </strong></p>
<p>Onions need more cooking than two minutes contact with a lukewarm pan. Buy your paracetamol before your hangover, not after. While you are worrying about what everybody else is thinking about you, they are worrying about something else. Try and hear what your gut is telling you. Seeing the dark comedy in awful situations will get you through them. If you make one great friend every year, that’s a wonderful average.</p>
<p><strong><a href="https://unherd.com/author/matt-rowland-hillunherd-com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Matt Rowland Hill</a>, Writer</strong></p>
<p>When I showed up for my first term at university 20 years ago, while the other students were joining social clubs, I acquired an addiction to heroin. I don’t recommend doing that: trust me, it comes with all kinds of inconveniences. But, even if you avoid hard drugs, the world you’re living in provides much more insidious ways of becoming an addict. In fact, maybe you already are one.</p>
<p>It was also in my first year of university that I started using Facebook. Later, I moved on to the harder stuff: Twitter and Instagram. My addiction to social media — and its delivery system, the smartphone — was less obviously ruinous than my addiction to smack. But the worst thing about addiction is the way it gradually separates you from your own life as a human among other humans, until you don’t know what you’ve lost — because you can’t even remember what it was like to be fully alive anyway.</p>
<p>The world we’re all living in now was designed by very smart people to keep us mainlining dopamine from the devices in our pockets. Find ways of resisting the tech and staying human. Otherwise you’ll spend your life in a fog of addiction, and you won’t even be alive enough to wonder where it all went.</p>
<p><b>Jed Mercurio, Writer and Director</b></p>
<p>In my 20s, I learned more from my mistakes than I ever did from my successes. It&#8217;s tempting to wish you&#8217;d never written a particular script or book, but that&#8217;s not possible. What is possible is to commit to learning from failure and becoming a better writer as a result.</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/james-pogue/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">James Pogue</a>, Essayist and Journalist</b></p>
<p>It&#8217;s uncomfortable advice, but I would say that the great lesson I took from my 20s was that it&#8217;s a time when you should try to experience some real danger, physical hardship, and toil. I notice in my 30s that it&#8217;s become much harder to work that sort of thing into life, but the well of resilience and capability it offered me has been (so far) lifelong, and it translates into all sorts of unexpected situations. If there&#8217;s one thing I notice about my generation, it&#8217;s that we often seem to lack really basic familiarity with the physical world — how to sew on a button, how to keep a plant alive, how to spend a cold night when the heater is broken or we&#8217;re out camping. There are a lot of ways to get this kind of experience, and I don&#8217;t want to suggest any one particular path, but most all of them involve some hard work, some real danger — even just working as a carpenter for a bit is much more dangerous than most of the jobs college grads will do today — and a testing of your own limits. I tend to think people who have this kind of background and experience wind up maturing into adults who are a lot more multifaceted, even-keeled, and sure of themselves moving through the world than a lot of us who grew up in the digital age.</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/geoff-dyerunherd-com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Geoff Dyer</a>, Author</b></p>
<p>Drink less, and read more, especially books you think you’ll have more patience with as you get older (late Henry James, Dostoevsky) because in fact you will have less. Learn languages before your brain turns to mush. Play as much sport as you can. If you&#8217;re a man: don’t be a jerk. If you smoke (and you shouldn’t have started, obviously), stop immediately. Start using moisturiser (face and body). Stay hydrated.</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/lias-saoudiunherd-com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Lias Saoudi</a>, Musician (Fat White Family)</b></p>
<p>I think back on that decade now as the great regression, a desperate stab at a kind of pre-pubescent febrility. The bloke I became in my 20s owes the teenage me a serious apology, in fact. By any measure, I was a more intelligent, self-aware, considerate, creative and positive human being at the age of 19 than the one I’d become at 29. There was a period towards the end of my 20s where I could afford my own cocaine, where I didn’t have to chip in with a few other people to afford a gram — other than that, I have nothing good to say about those years whatsoever.</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/jonathan-sumptionunherd-com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Jonathan Sumption</a>, Historian and Former Supreme Court Judge</b></p>
<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Remember that people&#8217;s prejudices are surprisingly resilient and their habits resistant to dictation. The world will not be changed by a few individuals or even a whole generation. In the development of mankind, a decade is the blinking of an eye and a lifetime is a brief interval.</span></p>
<p><strong><a href="https://unherd.com/author/sarah-ditum/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Sarah Ditum</a>, Author and Journalist</strong></p>
<p>Here are two things I did at university, one of which I&#8217;d generally advise and one of which I&#8217;m not sure I recommend but which definitely wasn&#8217;t bad for me. The first is: I read everything I possibly could that struck me as interesting. People think the point of university is the qualification. No. The point of university is the massive library. Go into the stacks. Read some dusty pamphlets no one&#8217;s touched for 30 years and aren&#8217;t on the internet. Learn something nobody else knows. It&#8217;s so much fun, and I wrote some of my best essays on things I found that way (more importantly, I discovered things that shaped my thinking forever).</p>
<p>The second thing I did is: I had a baby. This definitely made things harder that they could have been (and my partner and I had a lot of support from family and friends, and needed all of it), but it worked out, and I think one of the reasons it worked out is that university (or early adulthood in general, if you&#8217;re not going to university) is likely to be one the last times you&#8217;ve got some leeway from the fixities of adult life — if I hadn&#8217;t done it then, I think I&#8217;d have been trapped in the life plan and not got around to it till I was 35. So don&#8217;t necessarily have a baby when you&#8217;re 20. But do give the freedoms you&#8217;ve got a hard workout, because if you don&#8217;t take chances now, you might be waiting a long time for the opportunity to come round again.</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/irvine-welsh/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Irvine Welsh</a>, Novelist</b></p>
<p>My only advice to anyone in their teens and early 20s would be: ignore the advice of anyone over, say, 25. They will offer you nothing except a tiresome and irrelevant justification of their own existence. Life has to be experienced, and for advice on how to navigate it, peer education is the only way. They say that “those who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it”. Well, if you want to improve this shit show, read proper researched and critical history books. Not stuff written by establishment lackeys or two bob grifting conspiracy merchants with their go fund me pages; look at the world created by all those old fools over thirty. They don’t understand it, so they certainly don’t get the one you’re bringing into existence. Get them to fuck.</p>
<p><strong>Jason Williamson, Musician (Sleaford Mods)</strong></p>
<p>My 20s were still under the relative cushion of adolescence and the reality of survival had yet to fully kick in. The thing I most depended on as some kind of compass for sense and reason was not to panic and trust that life, so long as I got up every morning and faced it, would clear a way for me.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to parent here, but I will say that if you can largely avoid cocaine, weed and alcohol and do a bit of exercise, it will make the ability to face life so much easier. And contrary to popular belief, such sensible behaviour will not dent the power of whatever ideas you have for your own contribution to the world.</p>
<p><strong><a href="https://unherd.com/author/slavoj-zizek/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Slavoj Žižek</a>, Philosopher</strong></p>
<p>Going to university is a transition of unmasking false appearances, of mercilessly demystifying fake authorities from parents to political leaders, of bringing out the hidden reality of domination and corruption. In your early 20s, a shift takes place which should not be dismissed as mere conformism. We become aware that appearances matter, or, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous: fake it till you make it. Often, there is more truth in the mask, in what I pretend to be, than in (what I think is) the real face behind the mask. Freedom is in our societies is often an illusion which justifies domination and exploitation; however, only if we remain faithful to the idea of freedom we can we hope to come closer to actual freedom.</p>
<p><b><a href="https://unherd.com/author/ayaan-hirsi/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Ayaan Hirsi Ali</a>, Writer and Activist</b></p>
<p>In 1997, I was in university. On the summer break some Dutch friends and I settled on going to the Gambia and Senegal. I remember early discussions about appropriate behaviour; how to deal with risk; did we read the relevant sections of the <em>Lonely Planet</em>? They were white, wealthy and young. None of them had visited a developing country. Inevitably, they were shocked by the heat, the chaos, noise, filth and constant warnings of theft and robbery.</p>
<p>Dirty toilets, swarms of flies everywhere, the smell of cooking food in the air was mingled with odours of decaying trash and wafts of open sewers. The only thing that seemed to cause excitement was the white tourists who were pestered by hordes of young men peddling useless items as souvenirs. None of this was new for me. Somalia, Kenya and Ethiopia are full of scenes like that.</p>
<p>It is daily life for millions of Africans.</p>
<p>I watched my young friends transform from rosy-eyed adventure seekers to ill-tempered complainers.</p>
<p>It was interesting to watch my friends from the very wealthy Netherlands not only survive in Africa but also to hold heated debates about the IQ of the locals and the role colonialism played there. They were strangely ignorant when they arrived, but in a way it was refreshing to hear them acknowledge that the poverty and discomfort they witnessed were the products of culture. They left with an awakened awareness of difference, and a fresh understanding of how lucky they were to have been born in a culture that generated wealth and comfort, and respected human integrity. So take a <em>Lonely Planet</em> trip to Africa and have your eyes opened.</p>
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					<title>Do men love bitches?</title>
					<link>https://unherd.com/2021/02/do-men-love-bitches/?edition=us</link>
											<comments>https://unherd.com/2021/02/do-men-love-bitches/?edition=us#comments</comments>
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						<![CDATA[Louise Perry]]>
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							<![CDATA[Treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen. Credit: Bettman via Getty Images.]]>
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							<![CDATA[<p><strong>Louise Perry</strong> is a freelance writer and campaigner against sexual violence.</p>
]]>
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						<unherd:twitter_handle>Louise_m_perry</unherd:twitter_handle>
															<unherd:author_bio>
						<![CDATA[ is a freelance writer and campaigner against sexual violence.]]>
					</unherd:author_bio>
										<pubDate>Sat, 20 Feb 2021 00:00:00 +0000</pubDate>
					<updated>Sat, 20 Feb 2021 00:00:00 +0000</updated>
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								<![CDATA[Young women have reached an old conclusion: you can't get a boyfriend by being nice]]>
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<p style="padding-left: 40px;"><i data-stringify-type="italic">Be realistic, how many of you want to just be invited round when he’s free for a quick fuck? … No, you’re not going to go round for a quick Netflix and chill.</i> <em>You deserve effort</em>.</p>
<p>So says <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@sarahelizabeth2020/video/6926230109707848966?lang=en&amp;is_copy_url=0&amp;is_from_webapp=v1&amp;sender_device=pc&amp;sender_web_id=6898418628167157254" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Sarah Elizabeth</a>, a 21-year-old actress and personal trainer from Liverpool, in a series of TikTok videos inspired by a book of dating advice called <i>Why Men Love Bitches</i>. Written almost 20 years ago, it’s become a <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/tiktokers-send-self-help-book-for-bitches-into-charts-after-20-years-jpjhkgmdt" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">surprise bestseller,</a> thanks to its popularity with Gen Z women. The American author Sherry Argov provides her readers with candid advice about sex and dating, with the very first sentence letting us know exactly what we’re in for: this is “a relationship guide for women who are ‘too nice.’”</p>
<p>Given its age, <i>Why Men Love Bitches</i> has nothing to say about Netflix, dating apps or even texting, and yet quaint references to landlines do not seem to deter a new, younger readership apparently desperate for no-nonsense advice, which Argov delivers in spades.</p>
<p>There’s no moral relativism here, no aversion to generalisation, and absolutely nothing about pronouns or gender fluidity. Argov writes of a world in which men are simple creatures, interested in football, beer and easy sex. To catch a husband, women are advised to be shrewd tacticians, otherwise known as “bitches”. This means, in the main, bartering valuable feminine resources (sex; attention) for valuable masculine resources (money; commitment). Argov is not interested in sparing her reader’s feelings and comes down hard on those women who are too eager to give away their emotional or sexual power. Dating is a game, she insists, and “bitches” are the best placed to win it.</p>
<p>I was already vaguely familiar with <i>Why Men Love Bitches</i> before its recent re-emergence, because it holds pride of place at the top of the &#8220;<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommended_reading_books" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">approved dating books&#8221;</a> list on the subreddit &#8220;Female Dating Strategy&#8221; (FDS), which I’ve been a fan of for a while (most of the friends I&#8217;ve introduced to it — with some notable exceptions — are now FDS converts).</p>
<div class="ref-ar"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/what-mary-whitehouse-got-right/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/what-mary-whitehouse-got-right/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><img decoding="async" src="https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/GettyImages-1079649184-1.jpg?w=300" /></a><div class="content"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/what-mary-whitehouse-got-right/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span class="meta">More from this author</span></a><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/what-mary-whitehouse-got-right/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><h5>What Mary Whitehouse got right</h5></a><p class="author"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/what-mary-whitehouse-got-right/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span>By</span> Louise Perry </a></p></div></a></div>
<p>Unlike <i>Why Men Love Bitches, </i>FDS is an organic creation, built up over time by anonymous social media users — all of them women, and overwhelmingly young. But both of these sources of dating advice, created 20 years apart, reach similar conclusions — and do so while being blunt, funny, and deeply, deeply &#8220;problematic&#8221;. In a cultural environment dominated by liberal feminist ideas, encountering either is like pouring a bucket of cold water over your head on a humid day.</p>
<p>Which is why I’m not surprised that Gen Z women are buying up copies of <i>Why Men Love Bitches </i>and contributing to FDS in their hundreds of thousands. The mainstream liberal feminist options available to them are truly dire. At<i> Teen Vogue</i>, writers are encouraging their adolescent readers to <a href="https://www.teenvogue.com/story/is-watching-porn-bad?utm_brand=tv&amp;utm_medium=social&amp;mbid=social_twitter&amp;utm_social-type=owned&amp;utm_source=twitter" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">watch non-consensual porn</a> and <a href="https://www.teenvogue.com/story/anal-sex-what-you-need-to-know" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">have anal sex</a>, while forgetting to include the clitoris in a diagram of the female anatomy. Meanwhile, <i>Cosmopolitan</i> is <a href="https://twitter.com/wecantconsentto/status/1246369362350653442?lang=en" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">advising</a> its readers to spice up their love lives by trying “breath play”, i.e. strangulation — <a href="https://twitter.com/wecantconsentto/status/1246369362350653442?lang=en" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">the second most common </a>method of murder used by men against women in this country.</p>
<p>And recently, in response to news about the actor Armie Hammer’s alleged fetish for cannibalism, both <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-news/armie-hammer-cannibalism-sext-scandal-1115309/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><i>Rolling Stone</i></a> and<i> </i><a href="https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a35447828/armie-hammer-bdsm-fetish-educator/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><i>Cosmopolitan</i></a><i> </i>published pieces arguing that the real problem is not Hammer’s desire to “barbecue and eat” women, but rather his dodgy attitude towards consent in general. To an eye untrained by liberal feminism, this all looks an awful lot like men hurting and degrading women, only for prestigious media outlets to label it &#8220;empowerment&#8221;.</p>
<p>The women of FDS aren’t falling for it. Explaining the subreddit’s official position on BDSM, the moderators <a href="https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/testing-post-3" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">write</a> that “the primary focus of FDS is to teach ruthless self interest to women at both a micro and macro level, and this is not compatible with anything that even has a whiff of sexual exploitation or abuse.” This also extends to porn, prostitution and hook-up culture — all of which are understood by FDS to serve male interests, not female.</p>
<div class="ref-ar"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/would-you-like-endless-pleasure/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/would-you-like-endless-pleasure/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><img decoding="async" src="https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/brave-new-world-horny-3.jpg?w=300" /></a><div class="content"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/would-you-like-endless-pleasure/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span class="meta">More from this author</span></a><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/would-you-like-endless-pleasure/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><h5>Would you like endless pleasure?</h5></a><p class="author"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/10/would-you-like-endless-pleasure/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span>By</span> Louise Perry </a></p></div></a></div>
<p>In <i>Why Men Love Bitches, </i>Argov is similarly firm in her opposition to casual sex, advising her readers to hold out on sex for “as long as you can” at the beginning of a relationship. The reasoning is simple enough: sex is <a href="https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/fucking-ain-t-fair-act-accordingly" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">much costlier</a> for women than it is for men and, with sexual double standards still alive and well (albeit less often spoken about), a woman who appears to be &#8220;too promiscuous&#8221; risks being discarded. Argov puts it frankly:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;"><em>What men don’t want women to know is that, almost immediately, they put women into one of two categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile.” And the minute he slides you into that “good time only” category, you’ll almost never come back out.</em></p>
<p>Or, as your grandmother might have put it, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”</p>
<p>This attitude is now deeply counter-cultural. Popular representations of twenty-first century women generally show them sassily relishing the opportunity to imitate “good time only” sexuality, which was previously the preserve of men. Think of the first ever episode of <i>Sex and the City</i>, in which the protagonist enjoys a casual sexual encounter in her lunch break and celebrates “having sex like a man”. Or the hit crime thriller <i>The Fall</i>, in which a gorgeous Gillian Anderson demonstrates her independence of spirit by using and discarding younger men. Justifying her sexual behaviour, Anderson’s character quotes the feminist Catharine MacKinnon: “man fucks woman; subject verb object.” The implication is clear: this woman <i>fucks back.  </i></p>
<p>Liberal feminism understands “having sex like a man” as an obvious route by which women can free free themselves from old-fashioned patriarchal expectations of chastity and obedience. If you believe that men and women are psychologically identical, save for a few hang-ups absorbed from a sex negative culture, then this makes sense. Why wouldn’t you want women to have access to the kind of sexual fun that men have always enjoyed (the high status ones, at least)?</p>
<p>Both FDS and <i>Why Men Love Bitches</i> start from a premise that would be considered unforgivably reactionary in contemporary outlets like <i>Teen Vogue </i>and <i>Cosmopolitan.</i> But historically, it&#8217;s been considered common sense: that men and women are different — not just physically, but also (on average) psychologically — and that their interests are therefore inherently in tension.</p>
<div class="ref-ar"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/11/is-casual-sex-immoral/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/11/is-casual-sex-immoral/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><img decoding="async" src="https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/GettyImages-163306994.jpg?w=300" /></a><div class="content"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/11/is-casual-sex-immoral/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span class="meta">More from this author</span></a><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/11/is-casual-sex-immoral/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><h5>Is casual sex immoral?</h5></a><p class="author"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/11/is-casual-sex-immoral/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span>By</span> Louise Perry </a></p></div></a></div>
<p>If we accept this premise, then the strong evidence suggesting that <a href="https://qz.com/685852/hookup-culture/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">most women dislike hook-up culture</a> must be explained, not as a consequence of oppressive sex negativity, but rather as a consequence of something much more immovable: innate gender differences. And the recent shift towards a culture in which women are encouraged to “have sex like a man” should be understood, not as a feminist achievement, but in fact the opposite. What we are seeing now is women who are “too nice” feeling pressured into unwanted sex with what FDS users term &#8220;low value males&#8221; — the kind of men who will (as Argov puts it) “hit and run.”</p>
<p>Yes, it’s cold, it’s calculating, and it’s often eye-wateringly rude. But it seems that a lot of Gen Z women, exhausted by a hook-up culture that presents casual sex as not only compulsory but actually &#8220;feminist&#8221;, are desperate for advice that <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@sarahelizabeth2020/video/6924428290878983430?lang=en&amp;is_copy_url=1&amp;is_from_webapp=v1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">“makes sense”</a>, as Sarah Elizabeth puts it. If the internet phenomenon of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickup_artist" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Pick Up Artistry</a> developed to teach men how to persuade women into casual sex, then the popularity of FDS and <i>Why Men Love Bitches</i> is the next step in the arms race, teaching young women how to defend themselves psychologically against men who will make them feel “obligated, pressured or manipulated” to jump into bed.</p>
<p>Which is why I consider their philosophy to be resolutely feminist, even if I don’t agree with all the advice offered by either Argov or FDS — and even if the emphasis on old fashioned gender stereotypes may alarm some feminists. But then this strand of feminism doesn’t fit neatly into the conventional typology of liberals and radicals that dates back to the 1970s. Trans inclusive, sex positive liberal feminism this <i>definitely</i> isn’t. But nor is it orthodox radical feminism, at least not on one crucial issue: there’s no room for the &#8220;blank slate&#8221; theory of gender, in which all psychological differences between men and women are understood to be a product of nurture, not nature.</p>
<div class="ref-ar"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/12/how-sexual-empowerment-screws-women/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/12/how-sexual-empowerment-screws-women/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><img decoding="async" src="https://unherd.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Cardi_Megan.jpg?w=300" /></a><div class="content"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/12/how-sexual-empowerment-screws-women/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span class="meta">Suggested reading</span></a><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/12/how-sexual-empowerment-screws-women/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><h5>Why sexual empowerment screws women</h5></a><p class="author"><a href="https://unherd.com/2020/12/how-sexual-empowerment-screws-women/?edition=us&#038;ref=refinnar" class="text-decoration-none border-0"><span>By</span> Mary Harrington </a></p></div></a></div>
<p>The very idea of there being evolved psychological differences between the sexes has become so taboo in some circles that even voicing the possibility is taken to be an indication of anti-feminist sentiment. And yet FDS not only breaks this taboo, but goes further, applying the discipline of evolutionary psychology to pro-woman ends.</p>
<p>For instance in one essay recommended in the <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommended_reading" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">FDS Handbook</a>, readers are introduced to the sometimes deceptive powers of oxytocin, the so-called &#8220;love hormone&#8221;, alongside the idea, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-personalities/201202/men-women-and-interplanetary-promiscuity" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">taken from evolutionary psychology</a>, that men and women are hard-wired to respond differently to casual sex, with men generally more eager to have sex early on in a relationship, or even with a perfect stranger. In the forthright tone typical of this new feminist strand, female readers are advised to keep their wits about them following a sexual encounter with a &#8220;low-value male&#8221;:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;"><i>What you have to say to yourself, next time you get tempted to send that player a message, or you get the horn and are craving some rendezvous with an undeserving disrespectful rag of a man, is tell yourself &#8216;THIS IS JUST OXYTOCIN. JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING CHEMICALS.’ Keep repeating this to yourself so it&#8217;s fresh in your mind. </i></p>
<p>I’ve <a href="https://unherd.com/2020/11/is-casual-sex-immoral/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">argued before</a> in these pages that the evidence for innate psychological differences between the sexes is, in and of itself, morally neutral, and that such evidence could be put to all sorts of political purposes, including feminist ones. This was an idea pursued, all too briefly, by the &#8220;<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Difference_feminism" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">difference feminism&#8221;</a> of the 1980s, which resisted the gender neutrality of other feminist schools, and paid particular attention to the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethics_of_care" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">devaluation of motherhood.</a> Difference feminism was swept away in the 1990s, overtaken by forms of feminism that put more emphasis on male and female sameness. But I wonder if Gen Z might now be bringing it back, this time in bolder, brasher form.</p>
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